i feel like i'm j30 and i suck at Being Alive. i want to be good at it. i want to be good at it more than anything. but i'm so fucking bad at it it feels like i'm nearing the end already from sheer incompetence.
i feel like every moment im not fully distracted, i'm mourning my own life. it feels like it's already over and i'm just fucked, just a nothing existance. and that's just... awful and terrifying, because i'm finally actually enjoying being alive, and now i feel like its over.
holy shid i'm home finally
i am very glad ultimately that i got to spend two weeks with some of my favorite people, but *ugghhh* the urges to be productive hit hard the moment i couldn't act on them.
maybe it's time to get a tablet with a screen
so, got out to see my bf and some friends, was gonna be a nice week to relax after all my mom's surgery stuff!
my entire family got covid while i was gone. badly. my dad may have permanent hearing loss.
so im not going to be home for a bit longer, it seems.