twennygrand

leave me alone man

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

“Unpopular opinion, but—“ have you considered the opinion is unpopular because it’s stupid

[6ɪx✦ @6ixxtar]

When I was nine, our teacher made us write letters to "our heroes" for a writing unit. Most kids chose their parents, or Michael Jordan, or the President. For some reason, I was deeply obsessed with the golden age of piracy, so I wrote my letter to Blackbeard. It was a very aggressive letter demanding to know where he hid his treasure and warning him that "the British Navy is coming for you." My teacher, Mrs. Gable, instead of explaining that Blackbeard had been dead since 1718, actually looked up a historical museum in Ocracoke, North Carolina, and mailed the letter there. Three months later, I got a package at school. It was a hand-stained parchment scroll sealed with actual red wax. The museum staff had written back in character as Blackbeard’s ghost, telling me the treasure was "buried in the minds of those who read books" (which was a bit of a cop-out, honestly), but they also included a replica Spanish piece of eight. I was the coolest kid in third grade for a week.

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

You’re telling me a banana did WHAT to this muffin?

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

You don’t need to tell me the stripper doesn’t like me, man. Of course she doesn’t. Nobody likes me…

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

@fentanylbrownie Brother, it’s comic books. It’s not even incongruent with anything. We’re talking about hot women in comic books. Hot women have always and will always exist in this space. Hot women in comic books have been widespread since before your grandfather had a birth certificate

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

@ShroudOfTuring @Lizzie_Baseball My iambs move in concert with my rod.
Confessions of her love follow closely.
While true, coitus and verse does sound quite odd,
She welcomes my embrace, ‘coz I’m goofy.

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

*sees good cleavage* Aurrggh fuck, I’m a monster

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

@Anbzydd520 Hoping to achieve a sort of “sex enlightenment” from my study of the Ancient Chinese Scrolls of Lovemaking as I finally find the section on nipple sucking

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

What a fucking narcissist

[⚔️Sword of The Day⚔️ @swordposting]

Today’s Sword of The Day is…. Me! Sword of The Day

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

What a shitass fucking ad…there’s not even any fucking jeans in this thing, it’s drawn the fuck on. You suck

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

@JASON_DUVAL_VI Algorithm knows you like ass

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

Me on a cruise: Excuse me, Mr Tour Guide. Is it true the poop deck has 50 ft waterslides?

The Tour Guide, a secret scat fetishist: Yes, but it’s not as fun as it sounds.

[ari @arinomalocaris]

when she wants your 9 yeareal collection of a thousand cereals but you lowkey haven't gotten any pingas play on your mean bean machine since the sky had a weegee

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

*impregnates you platonically*

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

@evrenescence

[twennygrand @twennygrand]

I’ve had a “Blood in my boner was once in my heart” tweet scheduled ready to go for ages now, but someone else said it before I did, so now I’ve gotta find something else funny to say to compete with geniuses worldwide

[意識不明 @IshikiFumei514]

😋😋😋

[Grey's Garage @slactime]

Steely Dan lyric