Spencer Key

Adult Probation Officer

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I might be a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"!!!

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice. No they don't, Oh no they don't...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

If you lose a tooth as an adult, does the tooth fairy give you a trailer...?

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here. He has risen. He has risen indeed. He's alive. It's empty. He ain't here. He's kicked Satan's butt. He got up. Jesus-1 Death-0. See, I told you so...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Being a regular church-goer on Easter is like being a regular gym-goer on New Years...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

ERROR - Day 4/04 Not Found Go Back To Bed…

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

FYI - if you wanna have a Christmas Baby, tonight is the night... unless it’s Prom Night.

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you dont stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie, the beat

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do…

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart…?

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I saw a woman at Walmart I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth… She was down to the final four.

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I’m not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese, and Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I think I'm gonna find a tattoo parlor and get one with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Then, I'll just wait for people to ask me what my tattoo means...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective, people...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

"Ramen" ~ Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story...

[Spencer Key @txfunpolice]

Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife the alarm wakes me up...