Tylor Jones

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Damn helicopter pilots ruining my feed for two days smh.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

"If they say why? (Why?) Why? (Why?)
Just tell 'em that it's human nature
Why? (Why?) Why? (Why?) Does he do me that way?"

-A guy accused of fucking kids.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Good thing I grew up being rejected by so many women. A comedy festival could never.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Bobcat implies the existence of Vagenecat.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

I haven't seen this much love for a dead white guy since Mr. Rodgers.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

#timeless

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

At least there's finally a Tylor having a worse week than me.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

People who catch and release also beat the shit out of their dog.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Hearing your alarm out in the wild through someone else's phone is as jarring as walking in on your parents fucking.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Yeah your crowd work clip might suck, but hey, at least you aren't a battle rapper or a scooter trick guy.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

It's wild to be living in a time worse than the great depression but we don't notice because we're filled with sugar.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Being vegetarian/vegan doesn't make you any more moral it just makes you a life supremacist.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Rob Reiner's death was All In The Family.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

I've never thrown up after smoking weed but I sure will if I even think about Pinnacle whipped cream vodka.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

The Golden Globe's "best podcast" nominees look just like every local scene's "best comedian."

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

There should be an app that takes your phone away from you when you're on one.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

The ShamWow guy running for office makes a lot of sense because politicians love trying to clean up a mess with something more absorbent than you'd expect.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Can't wait to see what I get for trading my bussy at GameStop.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Portland is just Silent Hill with cold brew.

[Tylor Jones @tylortheinvader]

Imagine calling anything hack when you've made the same jokes about the same president for ten years straight.