❀

thyroid & cigarettes

[❀ @unbornspring]

Dear diary,

I was talking to my aunt today. And of course, as usual, the conversation somehow ended up being about him. I started telling her about everything.

I told her everything, starting with the back and forth we had on Twitter, then the phone call, the messages we exchanged the following day and even those 15–20 minutes we had to spend working together a few days ago. I talked about the moments we ran into each other during our breaks. As i went over all of these things again and again, there was something i kept telling myself: Don’t get your hopes up anymore, i said to myself.

Accept it. U have to accept it. U made it this far by accepting things, and u have to keep doing that. Because there’s only one thing i’m genuinely certain of anymore: a man can achieve whatever he truly wants in this life. He can make whatever he wants happen.

I genuinely don’t believe there’s a man in this world who can’t make something happen if he really wants it. The important thing is genuinely wanting it. And he didn’t want it.

The fact that he didn’t want it doesn’t hurt me anymore. That’s okay. People don’t have to want everything in life. I’m finally learning where i need to stand, and i’m accepting it. I no longer think that the problem was me. I now think that he has his own issues to work through. And by issues, i don’t mean mental health problems or some complicated things he can’t figure out about himself.

Maybe he didn’t want it or choose it because he couldn’t make sense of certain things he was going through internally. That’s possible. That’s life, like i said. We don’t always have to want everything or do everything.

But there was one thing that really made my throat tighten while i was talking. I said this: I’m sad about all our what ifs. Because when we wanted to, we could actually have such mature conversations. We could understand each other so well. We could approach each other with so much understanding and empathy. And i still can’t make sense of how two people like that ended up where we are now, or how we chose to put each other through so much pain for so long.

That’s one of the things i can’t understand. And the thought of how i wish things had been different keeps eating away at me. I wish none of it had happened this way.

I wish we could have talked about everything from the very beginning, in such a calm and understanding way. And yes, i also know that even if we had talked like this back then, we might still have chosen not to be together. Maybe he wouldn’t have wanted it. Maybe i wouldn’t have wanted it.

But i believe that our phone call and the conversation we had over messages the following day were a real goodbye. We said goodbye to each other. And if this goodbye was always meant to happen, if it was written somewhere in our fate that we would eventually say goodbye, i wish it had happened much sooner.

Because i never went through any sadness, unhappiness, regret, anger or resentment entirely on my own. I am sure there were storms raging inside him too. So maybe he could have worked through all those difficult feelings he was carrying much sooner as well. Maybe he could have figured things out within himself sooner. That’s another one of my what ifs. I wish we had chosen to understand each other instead of hurting each other. And i don’t think i was sad for nothing either. Every bit of sadness, every single tear i shed, carries an infinite amount of meaning because it carries a part of us.

Maybe we could have fixed things, maybe we couldn’t. But before our wounds reached a point where they could no longer heal, we might have found a way out. We might have had a way forward, a little light to hold on to. And one of the things that hurts me the most is that i lost my dreams.

[Sayra @bisayraa]

ben de ikna oldum ama şuramda bir şey var ona izah edemiyorum..

[safadenha @ousafadenha]

Quando dou conselhos de superar e seguir em frente, mas literalmente sou este

[Valen @uykusuz_queen]

bu gece burdayiz

[Kübra @Lotusyus]

Duygusal insanlar flört etmez arkadaşlar bağ kurar ve bağlanır. Sonra siz gidersiniz onlar hâlâ orada kalır. Dolayısıyla bakın abi bi çevrenize nerede biri tercih edilmiş yalnızlık yaşıyorsa bilin ki vaktiyle ehline denk gelmemiştir.

[❀ @unbornspring]

I only wanted u to stay, just this once. I just wanted us to find a way to be happy. I’m sorry.

[B @BoiSpecial1]

What life has been like lately.

[~_Lavinia_~ @lavinia098765]

_Belki bir daha tesadüfen bile
denk gelmeyeceğiz,

Ama bazı şarkılar hep
senin için çalacak...

[Bahriye @bahriyecknn]

sakince hayırlısı böyleymiş derken aslında içinde kopan fırtınalar

[T @dfwtee_]

feeling suicidal and knowing very well you can't take your own life is such a pathetic feeling.

[anılcan galiba @anilcangaliba]

yarını sikiyim şimdiden

[j64th𓂀 @literallymej]

How it feels to miss someone who’s perfectly fine without you

[Lil Nigga McGillicuddy Esq.. @TalkinUm]

T

[A boy has a name @Oneplus_CE4]

Remember me. Try your best. Maybe we can.

[Izann @Mr_izann]

I know crying doesn't change anything, but at least it helps me heal the pain

[🏹 @swaag444]

Hay canciones que ya no puedo escuchar de la misma manera, lugares a los que me cuesta volver y fechas que todavía erizan mi piel. Qué increíble que alguien pueda irse de tu vida y sin embargo quedarse tan dentro de ti.

[Lovely @IoveIlyy]

One day