unknowncomic/murraylangston

I am the original Unknown Comic which originated on the Gong Show....My memoirs "Journey Thru The Unknown" is now available at:

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Every Dog has its day. The nights are reserved for the Cats. - Sometimes when Two's Company, Three's the result. - Only someone with a lisp calls a spade a thpade. - Keep America Green. Have sex with a frog. - Keep incest in the family. - God is not dead. I am alive and well.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

What do you say to a Philosophy graduate with a job? "I'll have a cheeseburger, fries and a coke. - What do you call a Cow with No Legs? "Ground Beef" - Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

When I die, I'm having them put BRB on my headstone. - I want to enter a Spelling Bee. I'm pretty sure I can spell Bee. It's B-E-E. - A drunk staggered by while I had my head under the hood of my car & asked "What's up?" I said "Piston broke" He said, "Me Too" and walked on.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

It's Sad when your day is pretty much the same as yesterday and likely to be the same tomorrow. - Always remember that Change is growth. - When life knocks you down, instead of getting up, lie there and take a nap.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Some people find things that I think funny as offensive which is why I'm happier than them. - I wear the pants in my relationship but she does control the zipper. - I've been seeing spots in front of my eyes so I went out and got some glasses. Now I can see the spots much clearer

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

There are people trying to figure out the Universe and I just spent an hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car. – I found an injured bobcat & my neighbor said I should take it to the Zoo. I took it to the Zoo yesterday & today I'm taking it to the movies.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Did you hear about the guy who lost the entire left side of his body? He's all Right now. - First Shark.. "What is funny looking & has two legs dangling in the water?" - 2nd Shark... "I dunno but I'll bite." - What do you call a Mexican with a Vasectomy? A Dry Martinez.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

You ever wonder why there's a stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? My guess is there's more traffic going to hell. - You ever wonder if women are so smart, how come they have to dance backwards? - You ever wonder if a dog sees a police dog and thinks. "Oh shit, it's the cops

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

The secret to Happiness is no secret. It's Loving what you do. - Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. – Being Happy is simple, but most of us insist on making it complicated. - The only job you should have is because it's fun and makes you happy. -

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Just took this pic... not bad for turning 81 today eh? Happy Born day to me on getting a year closer to death

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Men who go bald in the back are Lovers. Men who go bald in the front are Thinkers. Men who go bald all over Think they're Lovers. - Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who has a hard time taking his pants off.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Facts about Men. - No man has ever been shot by his wife, while he was doing the dishes. – Men are like Floor Tile. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk over them for years. - Show me a man with five penises and I'll show you a man whose underwear fit like a glove.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

4 Facts about women 1)The only time a woman wants to be a year older is when she's pregnant. -2) Women are right even when they are wrong. -3) Women always have the last word except when talking to another woman. -4)Women love Men in Uniform because they know how to follow orders

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

I miss the old days when you could push someone in the pool without worrying about a cell phone. - Yesterday my horse shot itself… so I had to break one of its legs. – Jesus fed thousands of people with one loaf of bread and one fish. How did he do it? Teeny weenie sandwiches.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured. (Gordon B. Hinckley) - Whether you think you can, or you think you can't... you're right. (Henry Ford) - If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. (Groucho Marx) - I gave a fuck once, it was terrible. (Unknown)

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

If you think it's a small world, try seeing it by bus. – If your prayers haven't been answered, the answer is "No". - If it wasn't for your friends, you'd be a total stranger. - If there's enough room to spell "Bootylicious" on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Hey everyone. I am currently unsupervised. Come on over. -When I woke up this morning, I had no plans to be this SEXY. - You know how they say you are what you eat. Well, I don't remember eating anything Awesome. – I wanna be in a relationship where nobody wears pants or panties

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Don't worry about getting older. You're still going to do dumb shit, only slower. - In life, I've learned the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, Electrons and Morons. – And remember When life hands you a lemon, make yourself a margarita, then throw that Fucking lemon away.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

Mornin'.... May your coffee be strong and your day be short. - You ever have those mornings when you feel like you shouldn't have a cup of coffee? Me Neither. - The reason I love coffee in the morning is because it keeps me awake until it's time for Happy Hour.

[unknowncomic/murraylangston @unknowncomic]

In the News. A Man was arrested for Loitering in a Donut Shop. He was charged with Impersonating a Police Officer. - Health News. Vodka & Ice damages your liver, Rum & Ice damages your kidney, Whiskey & Ice damages your heart. This is serious. Don't use Ice anymore.