YouWentToJared

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Wait a minute. Taylor Swift dropped her entire catalogue on Spotify last week and I'm supposed to think of funny tweets right now? No.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

There used to be a time when we didn’t have access to all the world’s knowledge while sitting on the toilet.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Best street food in Ancient Rome
Handsomest guy in the Aztec Empire
Longest continuous pee
#StatsOnlyGodKnows

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Just think, pretty soon we'll have self-driving cars to masturbate in.

[ally @allykanani]

I love how all these guys refer to themselves as ELITEST! 😂😂😂 #whomadewhomad

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

My accountant just called to inform me I’m morally bankrupt.

[YouWentToJared @uwent2jared]

@dillp671 same at Home Depot. #lost

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

I’ve just been booked for Chinese New Year’s Rockin’ Eve!

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions, I make New Year’s Vague Declarations Of Semi-Intent.

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Santa knows if I’ve been bad or good, so he and my browser history have a lot in common.

[Chris Barnett @MALAFUNKSHUN]

"If it wasn't for us you'd be speaking Japanese" - Uh no if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking Chamoru

[YouWentToJared @uwent2jared]

For real though, iTunes is quite possibly the worstest software ever made. #impossibletouse #junk #why #grammarmaster

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Don’t mean to brag, but today Fitbit said I took 10,000 steps to avoid hearing about other people’s dreams.

[YouWentToJared @uwent2jared]

Hot dog water verdict: not horrible. Thickish mouthfeel, heavy register, w/metallic notes. You're welcome. #science #Idothetests #hotdogs

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to “take your anger out on my shoulders.”

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

This tweet is just a humblebrag that I can spell “cantaloupe.”

[YouWentToJared @uwent2jared]

So apparently there's tons of basketball shoes. Mrw first time in a #Footlocker store. #shoes #whut #ineverknew #guam

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.

[YouWentToJared @uwent2jared]

Is there gonna be a massive, all-island #orgy to end #festpac2016? ...asking for a friend. #tradition #culture #guam