Vanessa Conlin

Bookworm, Science Geek, Mummy Paparazzi, Writer, Fence Sitter, Funny Girl, Wino X. IG: vconlin

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

Pardon the grammar lesson;

It is:

- I am about to cum
- I am cumming
- I just came

It is not:

- I did a cum

Thank you. Goodnight.

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@erinmichellebrb Do it babes x

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

My child is 2+ and I still fucking wake up and check on her.. children are like soufflés… amazing but they mess with you!

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@StephBroadbrid1 I love a good cliff hanger! 🍔

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@kaitlynbristowe Pitch, yes. Volume, no. And not on purpose.

[Sarah Cooper @sarahcpr]

Handshakes are disgusting. I would literally rather have sex with you

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

My smallest human has recently discovered the ‘magical healing powers’ of bandaids.. the ones I bought have pandas on them.. she calls them ‘pandaids’..

I know it’s child-speak, but I dare you not to be delighted! 🐼 🩹 💕

[Nikita @nikitadumptruck]

Dating girls is so annoying I sent a pic of me in lingerie to a girl I’m texting and she’s like “omg I’ve been looking for that set for ages where did u find it?” I-

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@maddyyweeks I thoroughly enjoyed this 😃

[nina oyama @ninaoyama]

Melbourne as a city is a bottom, Sydney as a city is a top

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

I’m not sure what is worse.. when someone doesn’t even attempt to suggest they might walk on the grass so you can walk on the path, or if both of us walk on the grass and the path is unwalked on..

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

I have a drink bottle that is roughly the size of my youngest child’s upper body.. watching her successfully drink out of it is something I can only describe as art.

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@Craig_Harvey I clearly watch too much Judge Judy!

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

Since when did Nissan (Niss-EN) become Nissan (Niss-AAN)? Am I not fancy?

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@maddyyweeks Definitely dated one of those

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

Nothing annoys me more than putting on a load of washing and then realising the cycle is 3 hours longer than you meant it to be...

Fuck.

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

Me: *successfully opens a jar of olives first go*
Universe: *doddle-ding*
Me: *levelled up in singledom*

Me: *eats olives straight out of jar*
Universe: *double points*
Me: Yessss!

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

@alexjae1 Car.

[Vanessa Conlin @vanessa_conlin]

She just apologised

But it's ok he said "don't apologise"

I'm assuming she came.

Stop apologising for coming ladies!!!