Van Renard ((Fictional))

see ya
((Fictional person.))

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Sometimes I've got to
*dog bark* *fog horn*
Run away, I've got to
*glass shattering* *velociraptor screech*
Get away

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Annie forgot a classmate's name and instead of admitting it she faked amnesia episode all day. Spun a yarn about head trauma from injury. Got sent to the nurse. So that was a fun call from the school.

I told her next time do what I do: Just say "Heyyy you" and shoot fingerguns.

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

My daughter's really gotten into "Forged in Flame" lately and now every time someone drops or breaks something she calls it "a catastrophic failure". I showed her a new watch I bought and she said, "It looks nice, but will it KEAL?"

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Surely my in-laws don't regret offering to host Thanksgiving this year when we have an old man and a new baby with us now. SURELY NOT

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

every terf who even thinks about reblogging this is getting added to the list

"what list?" don't worry about it :)

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

This week is #TransAwarenessWeek

Next week is secretly TransBewarenessWeek

b e w a r e

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Now I am fifty-nine

Ten more years until my age is the best number

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

every time my bday gets close I remember my dumb American dad accidentally named me after a province in my mom's home country bc she died too soon to stop him

and then MY dumb ass accidentally named my twins "me" and "mother" in Turkish so I guess that's egg on my glass house

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Help, what's a good pithy joke to make about my wife having a baby? Got any good memes for this?

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Twitter has shadowbanned this post so I have to apologize and amend it to Big-Dicked Stylish MILFs

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Yeah I love BDSM, Beautiful Dyke Slamdunk MILFs

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

So whose cursed monkey paw was responsible for trapping everyone in the Phantom of the Opera band pit anyway

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

What? Hello? HELLO??? I guess this is just the year for ABBA fans to thrive as we were MEANT TO ALL ALONG

[gender of the day @genderoftheday]

The gender of the day is an unexpected fox.

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Sorry those last posts weren't funny but sometimes you just gotta take a STAND in the world of dance costumes and furry cosplay

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

how long until d*sney sues him to bury all parody videos before anyone catches on the co's using them for inspiration? taking bets now...

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

I see you #DWTS thinking you're slick stealing Todrick Hall's ENTIRE look for that Scar dance, but not like you haven't ripped off other artists before. Stealing your designs makes the constant "Big shout out to our makeup and costume design team! :)" even more insulting, smdh

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Twitter recommending that I follow what seems to be literally every verified medical organization and big name doctor here is very rude. Like yes I grew up chronically ill but cmon I don't gotta keep the cdc who and fda on speed dial

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Halloween costume suggestions I've received from...

Cara: "a sexy pirate"

Benny: "an enderman"

Annie: "your favorite smell in abstract form"

One of my child students: "the black swan"

One of my millennial students: "ebony darkness dementia raven way"

[Van Renard ((Fictional)) @vanrenard1]

Can't believe my poor kid's gonna be a Scorpio too