Velcro Ripper

Professional nobody, Team lead of them, 2nd in command of they, head of the Twitter Masses, sarcasm is my broadsword #2A. #goon #goldcorp

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

Crazy that I’m single when I’m such an amazing cook

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@hand2gland @quazoly Sentient potato of course

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@AnnaDsays @BuckWilde_ He does the same thing to me…

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

Text exchange with 5ft just now edited for brevity

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

5ft: you and I need to talk….

Me: uh ok…

5ft: how much did you feed the kitties while I was out of the country?

Me: ummm… regular amounts….i guess

5ft: lier… I shitter robot tracks their weight and they both went up almost 1/2 pound..

Me: now wait a minute I only fed them 3-4 times a day and only gave them one chicken treat each time..

5ft: bingo… I feed them twice a day and they get ONE SMALL treat per day…..I left instructions…

Me: hey I am a man I don’t follow instructions… do we need to revisit the canned beans adventure again?

5ft: I’m not mad but I did get a chuckle out of the monthly Your Cat Health report that clearly shows them porking out while you were here…and I’d like to mention I didn’t have to clean the house at all when I got back…..nicely done you big softy..

Me: whew….

5ft: I wondered why they were on you like fly paper when you visited… trying to con you into feeding them again I suspect.

Me: yep, mystery solved… so anyway…

5ft: wait a sec… did you feed them last week when you visited?

Me: don’t recall, so I am thinking our next business review we can stay here…

5ft: OMG…you sucker… I fed them BEFORE you arrived..

Me:

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

The other day at the airport a woman slipped and fell onto the baggage carousel….

She’s ok, she’s slowly coming back around.

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@WL_TAC @NavyLambo People who dont follow @WL_TAC hate old people, children and puppies.

[Warlizard Tactical @WL_TAC]

We're going to give away a $250 training voucher this week. Like this post and comment. Must be following us. Please RT to boost.

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

6:30 is the best time of the day.

………..hands down

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@mike_seigel @MeromeroCa97371

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

Today you should tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes..

It’s about raisin awareness

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@2fluffy2furious Your phone has translate on it.

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

After 97 hours of open heart surgery whilst fighting and army of little people,
I managed to correctly install a 3 way motion sensor with xylitol.

I pledge on my sacred honor to track down the engineer that wrote the instructions and give him but a wedgie and a wet Willy.

But it does work….finally… so no more accidentally leaving the laundry/mud room/torture chamber lights on again.

Instructions said “installs in as little as 15 minutes”

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@TexitDarling

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

10:36am 5ft: Son of <redacted> you <redacted>
<redacted> you buddy…<dial tone>

5:35pm 5ft: you know it’s a joy to work with you especially when you get your wizard on and solve big problems…. Oh and sorry for flipping out earlier

<sends picture of her in her yoga outfit>

Classic case when you put two type A personalities together who are incredibly stubborn…

Word to the wise, leave us alone when we fight, otherwise we will turn our guns on you

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@harveyspistols @Wolfen_Moon2 @actionxander .308 for when you want to reach out and touch that special someone in your life.

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

@sunnyday82501 Yup

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

When you are trying to get the motion sensor to turn the light on

[Velcro Ripper @velcroripper]

Du Kampfzwerg -

Noun: German word for 5ft… warning prone to extreme violence and baking.