RJ

edtwt☆not fatphobic☆pro recovery☆bmi:24.2 cw:134 gw:115 ugw:78(bmi 13.9)☆20 he/they☆I’m just gonna say whatever I can’t tell my friends like this is a diary

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I just need to accept that I’m gonna wanna kill myself for the next couple of months until I’m 95-100lbs again because that is not coming anytime soon but it’s definitely not coming if I don’t fucking do anything about it. Can’t believe I let myself gain 40 lbs.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I hate that the fatter I am the less motivated I am because like I’m already fat and disgusting what’s the point in trying

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Todays omad!! TRUST IM BACK ON MY GAME THIS TIME. Hopefully. Anyway I’m fat and disgusting and hating myself. But eggs <3 I didn’t get to weigh my peppers so I’m overestimating a tad. Total cals 200

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Every time I see Olivia Rodrigos thigh gap I want to kill myself

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I forgot how hard restricting is in the beginning when my body is used to eating so much. I want the hunger to go away. And I’m just tired.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I’m so unmotivated because I’ve lost all this weight before. I know what it’s like to be underweight and now I’m fat. The weight loss isn’t exciting because I’ve seen how small I can be. I hate my life

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I some how walked 4000 more steps than yesterday but burned 20 less calories. I did the same pacing around the house so I don’t understand

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I can’t believe I gained everything back AND MORE. I should’ve gotten my shit together months ago and then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Math says I won’t be there until the start of October if I stick with my plan to burn everything I eat and more in an attempt to lose 3lbs a week. That’s not fast enough I need it now. And I hate that my brain is like “might as well give up and eat”

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I need to be 100 lbs again that’s the only time I don’t hate how I look. The things I would give to be there now. Like yeah I have a further goal than that but god I don’t even care if I’d have to maintain 100 for months before being able to lose more I just NEED 100 now.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Trying to burn calories with chronic pain SUCKS

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I’m locking in for real this time so I’m back to taking pictures to track my meals. Todays omad!! It’s banana oatmeal very yummy. Not an aesthetic picture but oh well. Kinda hating life and wanna eat but I’m so fat I can’t. Burned 400 calories today though. Total cals 110

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Why does the Apple health app always say I burn way less calories walking than what the internet says I should be burning. I don’t know which is accurateeeee

[RJ @velwellyeah]

It’s me and my digital pen against the world. This is how I do my excessive planning. For leisure or daily activities. I want a proper tablet so I don’t have to use my laptop but I’m broke sooooo

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I slept in until 1pm to avoid eating but that’s not how my brain works anymore. Now I just feel like I wasted the day and I’m hella anxious. I’m trying so hard to get back on track. I think I need to go back to planning every hour of my day.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I’m so weak. I want to restrict but I can’t get myself to. I’m so fat I keep failing. I can’t be in this body anymore. I cant find the motivation to leave my bed. I feel stuck thinking about food. I want to be free.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I just wanted to get my thoughts out really. And like everyone around me drinks already although illegally. And my roommates have talked about it since some of us will be 21 by the start of the semester. I just genuinely don’t trust myself. And I feel weird for that.

[RJ @velwellyeah]

Anyone else scared to be legal drinking age or am I just fucked up? Addiction doesn’t even run in my family which is usually why people worry. I just worry that once I’m 21 there’ll be nothing to stop me since I know what I’m like. It’s been on my mind since I’ll be 21 in Sept

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I hate when I’m watching a tv show I gotta sit through the 7 different glp 1 ads like okay I fucking get it omg

[RJ @velwellyeah]

I just need to remind myself that I just need to be 100-95lbs again because that’s the only time I started liking myself. Then everything I lose after that is extra and would make me happier but 95 is a NEED and I can’t screw that up. And I can get almost to 100 by end of summer