Vicky Anscombe

a well-scrubbed, hustling rube with little taste

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

I am in a WhatsApp group called ‘CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM’ and we mainly talk about food and opera but golly gosh it doesn’t look good when my colleagues see messages come up

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Brooklyn Beckham take note - this is how you well and truly fuck the family over. Get your brother arrested on his birthday. Fantastic. You couldn’t make this up.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

@TLRailUK 12.15 (delayed) from East Croydon. We’re moving again now. Think the swan has flown away. Thank you for your help!

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

@TLRailUK We have come to a standstill outside East Croydon - what’s happening? Is there a swan on the line?

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Heading to my father’s funeral with a ludicrously capacious bag. I am not a serious person.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Hell is here

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

@BritishGas Can you STOP sending me these pleading emails, I’m fine bitch! I’m fine!

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

This morning I thought about which serial killers would favour which apps. Harold Shipman would have loved LinkedIn, Fred and Rose West would have a shared Facebook account on account of Rose’s crippling jealousy! Think Ian Brady would have spurned all apps.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

@Telegraph Hi, I’ve been charged £25 for a subscription after cancelling during a trial period. Please can you put me in touch with someone to sort this out?

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

I want to use AI for good and noble things, I truly do, but I’m currently chatting to an egg chatbot on Instagram and we’re getting along swimmingly

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Azealia Banks was/is in Mitcham. Makes me feel weird when I say it out loud, bit like stating that Dolly Parton is having a mini break in Slough.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Have just realised all my Insta stories are being posted to my FB too. Guess my elderly aunts and long-lost cousins are discovering more about me by the day.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

God, Cadbury World looks bleak

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

How can sitting in a garden be so tiring, the sun has beaten me, beaten me

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Just say ‘Go to bed’. Stop fobbing me off with these sad little euphemisms.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

I would like to put forward the 1999 film ‘G:MT – Greenwich Mean Time’ as a contender for the worst script ever

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

In bed listening to The Crayons’ Sunday Evening 8pm. Lovely, lovely, lovely.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

I may have to write to Denzel Washington - again - to apologise for the very strange fan mail I sent him in April 2020. As I recall it was three sides of A4, two of which were about the film ‘Flight’. I believe the phrase ‘I would trust you if you were flying a plane,’ was used.

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

Melle Brown 💖💖💖💖💖

[Vicky Anscombe @VickyAnscombe]

@Inevitablewest Maybe they were watching The Muppet Christmas Carol together