A coworker named Marcus gave me American survival advice.
"Buy a nice tin of cookies," he said. "Hide it in the back of the pantry. When life beats you down, you open it. It is your reward."
I understood immediately. Siege rations. A samurai must prepare for winter.
I bought a blue tin at the supermarket. Seven dollars and forty cents. Twenty-four cookies inside, packed neatly in little brown paper cups.
I placed it on the highest shelf behind the oatmeal.
Tuesday night, there was no battle. No grief. The sky was completely clear.
I only wanted to inspect the seal. Routine castle maintenance.
The lid came off with a soft hiss. The smell of cold sugar filled the kitchen.
"One," I told myself. "To test for poison."
I returned to my senses forty minutes later.
I was sitting on the kitchen floor. The tin was empty. All twenty-four cookies were gone. Eight little paper cups sat upside down like helmets on a fallen battlefield.
I have trained in self-discipline for thirty-five years. Butter defeated me in forty minutes.
The next morning, Marcus saw my face by the coffee machine.
"Did something happen?" he asked.
"The fortress fell," I said. "No survivors."
He did not ask who attacked. He simply opened his desk drawer, took out two miniature Snickers, and slid them across the counter.
"We reinforce the wall," he said quietly.
I put them in my pocket.
🚨 BREAKING: President Trump has just signed an executive order ELIMINATING tariffs on beef, coffee, and tropical fruits
This is an effort to bring down food prices in America, as voters voice concerns about affordability.
Keep focusing on affordability, 47.
We will never stop debating and discussing.
We will never stop standing up for what America is and what she should be.
And we will never let Charlie’s voice die.
To those who would stop us, I have two words: FUCK YOU.
Breaking Video! Women Being Arrested For Vandalizing American Flag, Suddenly Threatens To Kill Police Officers And Their Children.
The Left's Minions Are Going Into A Psychotic Rage Over A Secure Southern Border.
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