shame
procrastination (which is mostly based in shame, but also executive dysfunction) nervousness, a strange sort of sentimentality (wanting to preserve what was and also the unique charge and weight that my melancholic ache adds to the memories)... some self-punishment, unconscious perpetuation of egoic narratives about how I move within friendships, probably feeling like people are mostly better off without me at some level, difficulty breaking my habitual pattern of disappearing due to the entanglement of all the above...
overthinking and under-doing