wendy burton

Certified Meat Popsicle

[wendy burton @vvendy]

I was going to tell a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

[wendy burton @vvendy]

One of my favorite childhood memories was building sandcastles with my grandfather. At least until mom took the urn away.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

feeding myself has by far been the most exhausting aspect of adulthood

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Two fish are in their tank. One says to the other, “Hey, how do you drive this thing?”

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Is Pepsi okay? Like, emotionally?

[wendy burton @vvendy]

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Sorry that was a terrible joke, only 3 stars.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Orion’s Belt is just a big waist of space.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Lance is an uncommon name today. But back in the Middle Ages, were named Lance a lot.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Did you hear about the person that dipped their testicles into glitter? Pretty nuts.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Our dog ate all of our scrabble tiles, so we took him to the vet… no word yet.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

I was really surprised when the stationary store moved.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

What animal can jump higher than a house? …houses can’t jump.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

OnlyFans but it’s just me saying nice things to your pets while you’re gone.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Most people have an above average number of arms.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

[wendy burton @vvendy]

Wtf is an acronym