jame schmoody

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Gentlemen, being 6 feet tall doesn't mean you can be honest about your height, we still have to lie so our short kings can say they're 6 feet tall too. That being said, I'm 6'3"

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

USPS estimated delivery dates are the reason I have trust issues

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

There are a lot of people in this life who will say they care about you, but they won't tell you what you really need to hear. So I'm just gonna say it. Go drink some water.

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Have you seen Mike Hock? Mike Hock is HUGE. He goes to my gym. After a couple reps, Mike Hock has the pump and there are veins all over Mike Hock. He flexes, and people squeeze Mike Hock to feel his hard muscles. Mike Hock is quite a spectacle; very popular with the ladies too.

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Yeah I'm looking for Mike Litoris. Has anyone seen Mike Litoris? No? People just can't seem to find Mike Litoris huh. Trust me you don't wanna smell like Mike Litoris. Ok has anyone seen his brother, Herc Litoris? That's short for Hercules Litoris. No? Ok. That's ok. Thanks.

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

@j_falce33 Just now seeing this lol <3

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Englishmen call us crazy for eating peanut butter and jelly but they have the nerve to soak their oats in pig blood, wrap it in sausage casing and then call it pudding

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

@ajdambro ❤️

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

@eliseengbo_ ❤️

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Pop quiz: Your friend says “I play alto sax, tenor sax, and bari sax.” How many instruments does he play?

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Who’s tryna join the Nutting Associates?

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

@rastaflow152

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

@rastaflow152 I like how there’s half of Paul’s face staring you down then half the poster of the dude staring you down right behind Paul

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

I hate to be the one to say it, but we live in a world dominated by rectangles. Don’t believe me? Even the phone on which you read this tweet is a rectangle. Did you walk through a door today? Fucking rectangle. A book is just a collection of rectangles. There’s no escape. 🙍‍♂️

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Should a Michelin starred chef be allowed to fart while he’s cooking your meal?

[UberFacts @UberFacts]

If left untreated, chlamydia can lead to "saxophone penis"

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Almond milk=nut water

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Expectation vs. reality

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

When someone shares a chain message on Facebook warning you of something dangerous but you google it and it's a hoax but they don't know it

[jame schmoody @wa__itt]

Police dogs got me conflicted like... is it a pig or is it a dog?