Wesley Wallace

Trying to be funny. If you didn't laugh, try reading again with a Southern accent.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

I heard Matthew McConaughey gave a speech at the White House today. He must have been auditioning for the role of someone who's still relevant. #MatthewMcConaughey #WhiteHouse

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

For being the representation of beauty and uniqueness in our culture, butterflies sure are ugly, terrifying and they should die.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

There's a difference between being broke and being housebroken. I'm broke AND I don't have a house.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Lunchables are one step away from child labor.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

That feeling like you're being watched...
#prisonproblems

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Keep the marriage alive: Send her a kiss face emoji.
#lifeadvice
#lifehack

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

"Dearest, I must procure one of these telescopic self portrait poles," said no one ever.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

This year for Christmas my true love gave to me... a bad economy.
#thanksobama
#thankssanta
#globalwarming
#merrychristmas
#tweetsfrom2009

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Its Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve! Idiots!
#globalwarming

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Damn, Santa-Gangsta, you call me a ho ho ho like its a bad thing.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Im building a snowman thats whiter than Michael Jacksons ghost. Wait, maybe whn he died he went back to black...
1 of lifes great mysteries

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

The three words that beat describe you are as follows, and I quote: TURN TURNED TURNT

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

When youre so hungry even some garbage cans smell good

#hoboproblems
#janitorproblems
#collegestudentproblems

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Why do people smoke near trees? Trees can have second-hand smoke too! How would feel if the tree got addicted?!
#hippythoughts
#hugatree

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Shooting games are 2 violent. But its ok if its aliens ur shooting. That being said, Donald Trump's Border Patrol Simulator 2016 is intense.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Thought I caught my grandpa listening to modern music, but it was just his record skipping.
I don't even know where he got that Dre vinyl.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Im dreaming of a Christmas so white its in the Republican primary debate.

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

Told my gf to get me a shop-vac next to the fork-lift at Lowe's. She misunderstood and ended up shop-lifting a fork-vac. WTF is this even?

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

I hate it when I'm listening to dubstep and then I realize I don't have a stereo and my mom is just using the blender.
#dubstep

[Wesley Wallace @wallaceofspades]

👶Dad, y r u crying?
😊Im cutting onions
👶Do the onions make you sad?
😐No, when I was your age my dad used to beat me with a sack of onions
👶‼