Erika Hansen

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Yeah, last night was an absolute shitshow and a complete national embarrassment but THANK FRIGGIN GOD nobody spelled a vegetable incorrectly.

#DanQuayle
#IsDanokay
#PleasesomeonecheckinonDan
#POTATO
#TrumpMeltdown
#Murica
#Election2020

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Most painful experiences in my life?

1. Childbirth
2. Having my colon removed
3. Getting hit by a car
4. The 30 seconds I made it through whatever the fuck that was.

#Debatenight
#Elections2020

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

#Sociallyawkward problem:

When you're walking laps around your block, and a neighbor is doing the same in the opposite direction, do you have to greet each other every time you pass? Can't you just assume the first time applies for the rest of the night?

#Anxiety

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Funny JKR has such an issue with trans women, when she is so ardently committed into transforming into Ann Coulter.

#JkRowlingIsOverParty
#JKRowling
#TERFs

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

I have chronic atelectasis: the bottom of my lungs don't inflate. Doesn't bother me. (I'm here because of my GI disorder)

Three masks, partially collapsed lungs, and look at my pulse ox reading...

#WearAMask

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

I am endlessly amused by doing this to #antimaskers.

#MaskUp
#WearADamnMask

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

@OGradySue I don't know what the hell I'm doing lol.

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Count Chocula is just spooky Lucky Charms.

#Profoundthoughts
#Facts
#InspirationalQuote
#ThursdayThoughts

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

@chrissyteigen Okay, but you're also famous and universally loved. I am an awkward mouth breather and work for a conservation non-profit. I had upended a bottle of chocolate syrup in my mouth before a conference call with a celebrity, and they were really concerned that I had a facial wound.

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

My husband still hasn't noticed....

#mayosapiens
#mayonaissesucks
#organization
#LifeChangingTips
#housework2020

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

"I don't do drama"

Oh yes the fuck you do, my good bitch....

#nodrama #zen #somuchzen #WednesdayMotivation #WednesdayThoughts

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Marc: "What's going on with your face?"
Me: "I need to sneeze."
Marc: "Oh it's totally gonna happen and you definitely won't lose that sneeze at the last second."
Me....
Marc....
Me: "I want a divorce."

#ThursdayThoughts
#soblessed
#IhatehashtagsbutIwantattention

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

My cat has a problem.

Catnip. Not even once.

#murdetcat
#murdercatrises
#CatsOfTwitter
#notevenonce
#Caturday #cats #toomanyhashtags
#GardenersWorld #gardenlife
#SundayFunday
#followmesoicanstopusingsomanyhashtags

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Has anyone seen the Trolli gummy worm commercial?
Man, Groot has fallen on some hard times since Guardians of the Galaxy.

#notevenonce

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

I don't know why we have a Bundt pan. I'm morally opposed to them. If I wanted a hole in my cake I'd get a doughnut.

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Well, it happened: I reached peak adulthood. I have folded a fitted sheet.

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

When I'm looking up a recipe, can we all just get to the damn point, please?!

Nobody cares that the lavender madeleines remind you of when you worked as an au pair in France and skipped merrily with the children through the fields of Provence.

RECIPE. STAT.

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

I just uttered the most Caucasian sentence perhaps in the entire history of white people.

"This Ginger Ale is really spicy."

I'm ashamed. 🤦‍♀️

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

When they create the technology to upload our consiousness into cybernetic bodies, I'm splurging for the model with the off switch.

#ADHD

[Erika Hansen @weirdestunicorn]

Internet: "Bisexual people don't sit in chairs properly."

Me: "What a weird stereotype."

Also me....

#pan