GINGER...SNAPPED

Just make it up... you will anyway!

[GINGER...SNAPPED @whiskey_norocks]

Autocorrect just changed "having a pissy day" to "having a pussy day". At least my phone is still hopeful I'll get lucky. 😈

[GINGER...SNAPPED @whiskey_norocks]

Drunk enough to wash my face with hair moisture/shine cream but sober enough to realize it... wins.

[Your Name Here @notittryagain]

Before you get preachy with someone, be sure that you know who you’re talking to. Actually, before you get preachy with someone, shut the fuck up.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I've learned so much watching Shark Week. Did you know there could be a shark under your bed right this very minute?

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

When shopping for living room furniture, I’ve always found that it’s easiest to just choose a couch the same color as the dog.

[Fingers of Fury @Fingers_of_Fury]

Can’t. It’s Shark Week.

[Aaron @AP21984]

Ignorance is bliss but stupidity is annoying

[June O'Hara @juneohara65]

Children have been trapped in a cave for two weeks and I feel claustrophobic because my top feels tight under my armpits.

[The Last Unicorn YouKnow @Scorpio1080]

For each action, there is an equal & opposite reaction, plus a social media overreaction.

[Gigi K @gigi_k1]

Self care isn't just bubble baths and massage. It's also walking away from people who suck and telling them to fuck off

[Bob Kostic @causticbob]

Surprise sex is the best kind of sex.

Unless you’re in prison.

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

ME: wanna catch a movie tonight?

HER: why, is it running?

ME: let me rephrase that: wanna marry me?

[contrary_mary @sordid_mary]

Jolene, you can have him.

[Cam @GinAndJif]

I’m not saying I’m old, it’s just that these days I like my underwear to provide full ass cheek coverage.

[d @saylessdash]

I just wanna be cool enough to answer phone calls with "talk to me"

[Kristen @Kica333]

I would like to thank my parents for giving me the perfect amount of a traumatic childhood to make me funny.