whitautry

Drunk Tweeter. Bar Manager. 12+ years in the industry. ENFP-A. Books, cooking, mixology, horcruxes. The usual.

[whitautry @whitautry]

I’d love to feel bad for you, but I just accidentally ate a banana flavored Tums. So,
I really need to process my own trauma right now.

[whitautry @whitautry]

I have a cat now.
She’s completely spoiled rotten.

But, recently, when I scold her or correct her, she immediately runs to the window to stare out:
longingly-dramatically-
misunderstood:

As if dreaming, plotting,
surely threatening
some great escape..

[whitautry @whitautry]

Does anyone else have that Mandela effect where you remember Justin Trudeau being gay?
Like,
you fully remember Canada having a young, progressive, gay prime minister.

But now you’ve accidentally reloaded into the weird save where he’s dating Katy Perry…

Just me?

[whitautry @whitautry]

I don’t care or anything, obviously.
If it’s convenient and works, that’s cool.
But…is that normal?
My family always used knives. I always use knives.
Is it common to cut food with scissors?
Is that a regional thing? Is that an internet thing?

[whitautry @whitautry]

Do people really cut their food with scissors, or is that just a weird, momfluencer thing?
I do own kitchen shears for breaking down poultry and herbs and other things, but rarely use them.
It just throws me when they cut an omelette or pizza with (seemingly) office scissors.

[whitautry @whitautry]

Sometimes, I eat pickled okra (which I love) and accidentally-intrusive thought-convince myself I’m actually eating grasshoppers…and the seeds are their eggs…..

[whitautry @whitautry]

Birthing a baby kinds sounds like how I imagine it would feel to make a horcrux.

It’s super difficult and impressive and taxing.
You give a piece of your soul that lives on inside of them...

But it’s also, horrifying and fucked up.
- in a vague way no one talks about.

[whitautry @whitautry]

I once puked through an entire, multi part, BBC docu-series on Lady Jane Grey after my 28th birthday.

So, I found that watching foreign people frantically bake treats in a garden
is a more effective, British media..
In regard to the treatment of my own self loathing.

[whitautry @whitautry]

My perfect hangover remedy is
A cold, sliced honey (or cosmic) crisp apple, unsweet tea (crunchy ice), Panera soup (with that slutty, little, stale baguette they give you)…
And then, dragging my comforter to the couch to half-nap through a season of The Great British Bake Off.

[whitautry @whitautry]

@devin_calf This may answer your question. Also, The Guadalupe River is also like 200 miles away from here. Texas is very big.

[whitautry @whitautry]

Also, slugs have blue blood and more teeth than any other animal. Up to 20,000…
So that ruined my day..

[whitautry @whitautry]

I forgot slugs existed entirely.

I’d bet I haven’t seen one in 20+ years.

They’re like snails?
Without accessories…?

My complex doesn’t see much wildlife. It’s mostly concrete.

So, Idk where they come from..

but, after rain?
That parking lot is fucking LOUSY with slugs.

[whitautry @whitautry]

I’ve never seen so many slugs.
A concerning amount of slugs.

So I needed to know more.

Did you know that slugs can live for a year or more?
Like..why??

Slugs are hermaphrodites and can mate with themselves also..

They poop from their heads.

[whitautry @whitautry]

I know it’s a rando topic, and maybe the tea is cold, but Hollywood did #Monique dirty.

I just rabbit hole watched interviews on it, and now I’m heated.

They labeled Mo’nique “difficult” for refusing to literally work for free.
And now she’s blacklisted.
She deserves better.

[whitautry @whitautry]

If you didn’t know, you can buy the generic #planB pill on Amazon for $7. It ships straight to your house.
It’s like $50 at most pharmacies.

Stay prepared and take care.
#womenshealth

[whitautry @whitautry]

I read that the initial reason we didn’t adopt the metric system
was that the scientist bringing over the tools, weights, and info on it was captured by pirates.
He died, sooo…

fucking PIRATES are why the entire US is illiterate in most basic concepts of universal measurement.

[whitautry @whitautry]

@Justanoldfan LITERALLY!

[whitautry @whitautry]

Just watched “a deadly American marriage.”
It’s a doc about a brutal murder.
And there’s a serious, sad voiceover from the victim’s teenage kids…
and then there’s a 30 second car scene where they all introspectively listen to “chicken fried,” by Zac Brown Band…

[whitautry @whitautry]

Love is reminiscing to your bf how you once liked banana/fudge bombs from the ice cream truck as a kid
and, months later:
He hears a ice distant ice cream truck and rushes out, no explanation..gets in the car, and searches until he procures you their entire stock of fudge bombs.

[whitautry @whitautry]

Welcome to my bimonthly existential crisis where I
don’t sleep
and,
instead,
try to decide whether I should upend my entire life and find a different, lesser paying job (with better health benefits),
or just wait for someone with good insurance to wanna marry me.

[whitautry @whitautry]

Kanye’s also the chaos #sims scenario

but you’re actively trying to be evil so the neighborhood hates you.
But, somehow, you keep accidentally making friends.

Also you probs have to talk to yourself in the mirror so you don’t die of hysteria.
And your wife is decked in alpha cc

[whitautry @whitautry]

Katy Perry is kinda like..

when you play #thesims,
and you’re bored..
so you impulsively start a save with a weird townie you don’t like or care about.
And you play wild side quests and make destructive, unhinged decisions for them out of sheer, chaotic apathy..
And feel nothing