WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️

🇬🇧🇵🇱🔞 Former Dungeon Combatant, Current Administrative Residue 💾 Skills: Post-It necromancy, chain-smoking printer toner, HR dodgeball🎨 Art: @IamGOODtoBE

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@MechaKittn I can’t explain why, but every time I see this picture it makes me think of the monster lady from V/H/S

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🕳️ Stop asking me where I see myself in five years 🕳️

I don’t even know which email account I’m in right now.
My tabs are nesting like Russian dolls.
My Google Calendar has meetings in it from three jobs ago.
My Teams login auto-logs me into someone else's funeral done in a video call.

Where do I see myself in five years?
Somewhere between the fluorescent light and the flicker of the cheapest screen blood money could buy.

🪑 I will not have a desk — I will be the desk.
🔁 I will not ascend — I will sync.
🌱 I will not grow — I will auto-populate.

Five years from now, I will be vapor 💨

Haunting the office espresso machine, still stuck here even when intangible.
My ID badge will still be active, though no one remembers who I was.
I will exist only in legacy logins and a stale Asana tickets.

📌 Don't ask me for a five-year plan.
Ask me if I’ve eaten lunch today.
Ask me if I know which version of Greg just Slacked me.
Ask me if I remember the sun.

Because I don’t dream of career progression.

I dream of an empty inbox.
Of one single day without an “URGENT” subject line.
Of logging out. And staying out.

But I'm always here when I wake up.

#CareerAbyss #CaffeinatedPupa #ProfessionalAmnesia #TabHaunting #FiveYearPlanIsToSurviveFriday #SpiralpointGhost #EmployedInTheory #SubscribedToSuffering

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🧾 “Let me circle back” is corporate for “I will die before resolving this.” 🧾

I’ve circled back so many times, I’ve started a religion.
We don’t believe in deliverables — only cycles.
Our gospel is a thread of unresolved Slack messages.
Our sacraments include “just bumping this!” and “gentle nudge :)”

We do not close tickets. We witness them reincarnate.

📅 Our holy day is Wednesday.
We wear lanyards.
We drink vending machine coffee until prophecy hits.
We preach that if the calendar is full, the soul is empty.

Greg, once built a spreadsheet so cursed it looped forever. We keep it in a glass case as a relic.

✝️ Our sacred texts:
💬 The “to-do” column in a forgotten Trello board
An Outlook invite titled “catch-up?” with no agenda and no survivors
💬 A Google Doc that’s been in “suggesting” mode since 2019

We do not seek resolution.
We seek spiritual postponement.
Deliverables may pass, but the loop is eternal.

🙏 Peace be upon the follow-up.

#SpiralpointFaith #BackloggedBeliever #CrusadeOfDelay #HolySync #RecurringButUnattended #CircleBackCult

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🪜 Career growth is just climbing a ladder that bends at the top 🪜

Everyone talks about “vertical mobility” like it’s noble.
Like there’s some glorious destination just past the ceiling tiles and fluorescent hum.

No one tells you the rungs are:
🕰️ Made of unpaid overtime
🫠 Greased with generational guilt
🛡️ Guarded by people named “Cheryl (VP, Plane Transition)”

I was promoted once.
Not because I asked. Not because I deserved it.

Because I made prolonged eye contact with the wrong executive during an evacuation drill.

Now I manage:
3 people who have a blood feud with calendars
1 copy of Excel that screams
A hallway that shouldn't exist

I didn’t level up.
I just became part of the building.

📌 My job title changes every fiscal quarter.
📌 My responsibilities are passed to me via airdropped PDFs and a raven.
📌 I once found my name in a PowerPoint I didn’t write. It was under “Other Considerations.”

You ask about growth?

I’ve grown eyes in the back of my neck and learned to taste office tension through drywall.

The ladder isn’t broken.
It was designed by a committee that only meets during Mercury retrograde, behind doors we don't dare to open.
It bends.
It creaks.
It loops back into the same chair with a new title and fewer benefits.

Climb anyway.
Or at least hold on while the rest of the building burns down.

Sometimes the top isn't higher.
It's just more emails and fewer exits.

#LadderOfSpite #PromotedThroughAccident
#SpralpointCareers #ExecutiveByExposure
#MentorshipByEyeContact #MiddleManagementButMakeItDungeon

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@Tanoramaaa Mix ground beef with a few spoons of beer and mustard (French is preferred but mandatory) for the best burger patties that stay moist forever. Fry them with a spoon of oil on a heated pan. Add any sliced veggies you like, slap it all on a bun et voilà 🧑‍🍳

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@MechaKittn Aren’t buttplugs known to go all in by definition 🤔

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🚫 Trust falls are a security risk 🚫

I don’t participate in them. I observe. From the shadows.

Nothing says "corporate psychosis" quite like asking strangers with side-parted trauma and three open HR tickets to catch you mid-air with eye contact and unpaid overtime.

Trust is earned. Not hurled across a conference room in khakis.

I’ve been in this company long enough to know that:

🖇️ Anyone who says “let’s circle back” will absolutely drop you
🖇️ Greg has slippery hands and no spine
🖇️ HR only takes notes when someone is found dead in a conference room that shouldn't be booked at that hour

And still, we fall.

Fall into deadlines. Into policy updates. Into chairs that spin and never forgive.

I once trusted a team-building escape room. They left me behind.
I became part of the room.
They wrote it off as experiential learning.

You want trust? Try surviving the Q3 slide deck with one HDMI cable and a prayer.

That’s trust.
That’s team-building.
That’s proximity-based trauma that binds us tighter than any rope course ever could.

I lead my team through other means:
▶️ Synchronized sighing
▶️ Passive-aggressive Notion comments
▶️ Cry-laughing in stairwell C while unnamed forces search our desks for contraband

Real team-building happens in the shared silence after the fifth budget revision.
Not in the woods. Not in matching shirts. And never — never — in daylight.

You don’t fall into trust.
You claw it out of the document archive, one heavily redacted PDF at a time.

#TeamBuildingIsAScam #TrustIsAnExpense #HauntedOffsite #SpiralpointValues #TraumaBasedAgility #GregIsNotReliable #BurnoutWithUnity

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🥄 Lunch is for the living 🥄

I eat time. I chew through 47 Slack pings and wipe my mouth with someone else’s slide deck.

I don’t eat - I metabolize dread.

Today’s meal was:
1 expired yogurt
3 passive-aggressive emails
An ignored calendar invite marked “MANDATORY 😊” which started bleeding when I tried to delete it.

I am nourished by the soft crunch of a coworker double-booking my sanity.

Again.

#NoLunchOnlyWar #CalendarBasedMalnutrition #FeedingOnFeedback #SlackSnack
#PuttingPainInProtein #DeadlineDining

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

Office Diaries pt. 907025

Today at the office I’ve met a snail.

It was naked and suspiciously wet. Acted like it owned the place. Then it ate the crumbs that fell off my coffee cake without breaking eye contact even once.

I guess it’s the new intern.

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@MechaKittn I’ve actually quite enjoyed pizza with pear slices on it. The 🍐 pear. It tasted a little like radish

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🫥 I don't network. I lurk. 🫥

I don’t “grab coffee to connect.” I don’t reach out with “just a quick question.” I don’t attend networking breakfasts because I don’t believe in mornings, networking, or breakfast.

You won’t catch me DMing you after a panel. You won’t get a “loved your insights!” from me. If I say “great share,” know that I have already evaluated your CV WIPs, archived your first startup’s Twitter meltdown, and made peace with the idea that we will never speak even if you beg.

Because I don’t network — I operate in the shadowy corners of the feed.

I study your career arc like an active crime scene. I see the 6-month “consulting pivot” you didn’t explain. I know the fourth bullet point on your current role is entirely fabricated. I’ve watched you add “Strategic Thinking” to your skills every November like clockwork.

While you “leverage community,” I sit in the back of your car, making mental PowerPoints titled:

🪦 “We Should Grab Coffee (and Other Threats Disguised as Invitations)”

👁️ “LinkedIn Headshots that Show the Exact Moment Hope Died”

📮 “Connection Requests That Feel Like Emotional Spam Mail”

You post about “building bridges.” I’m under the bridge with nothing to my name but a spreadsheet of old scars and a grudge.

I see your hashtags. I see your thought leadership. I know you used Comic Sans in the Lord's year of 2024.

I don’t follow trends. I track failures. I don’t build a network. I map the ecosystem of collapse like a cartographer of broken dreams.

And sometimes, silently, I endorse you for “Adaptability.” Because you’ll need it.

#AntiNetworking #SilentSurveillance #WidowskinnerKnows #KPIofObservation #SpiralpointLurker #VPofFollowingYouHome

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@JesterWonderpop May I interest you in a cursed, Slavic cold soup made out of young beet greens

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

✋ Imposter Syndrome? I’m the real curse ✋

I don’t struggle with feeling like a fraud.

I am a fraud. A glorious, spite-fueled mirage in loafers, made real by deadlines and a fax machine that won’t stop whispering my middle name that nobody is supposed to know.

I once spent eight years as a background dungeon asset, programmed to shuffle ominously behind a locked gate. I had one line of dialogue:

“You shouldn’t be here.”

Neither should I.

And yet here I am.
Filling out forms. Hosting meetings. Correcting Greg’s quarterly OKRs while smoking directly into the cooling vent.
I don’t belong. And that’s my strategic advantage.

▶️ Your degree? I don't have one.
▶️ Your certifications? I have a cursed stapler and a grudge.
▶️ Your 5-year plan? I just plan on making it through the next coworker ascension.

The truth is: You don’t need to feel qualified.

You need to:
🔥 Walk into the office like you were summoned by a ritual HR regrets
🔥 Learn one buzzword per quarter and say it with unwavering confidence
🔥 Drink the breakroom coffee like it’s a contract with a vengeful god (we don't want a repeat of 2018)

No one here is real. No one here is safe.

The longer you remain, the more power you gain.

Stop asking, “Do I belong here?” and start whispering, “What if I never leave?”

#ImposterSyndromeIsMyCoworker #BurnoutWithBenefits #CorporatePossession #StrategicHaunting #EmployedThroughInertia #SpiralpointSpite

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@PonekoVT Holy moly

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🖨️ Leadership isn’t about titles. It’s about recognizing when the printer is no longer itself 🖨️

Too many so-called "managers" ignore the signs:

▶️ A third paper tray that never existed
▶️ Cyan ink printing in red
▶️ The quiet, echoing chant in an ancient tongue

This quarter, I chose to confront our printer’s possession head-on. Not with exorcism, but agile methodology. We did a stand-up. It growled. I listened. We went over its Q3 goals.

Here’s what I learned:
📁 Sometimes, your workflow bottleneck is eldritch in nature.
📁 "Paper jam" is a state of mind.
📁 True leadership is offering toner to something that might not deserve it.

I don’t lead by example. I lead by resignation, ritual, and a whisper through the vents.

You don’t fix haunted machines. You onboard them.

#Leadership #PrinterPossession #SpiralpointThinking #InkBasedParanormal #OfficeHauntologies #HauntedHardware #BusinessNecromancy

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

🫵 CHECK OUT THE BEST ARTIST OUT THERE RIGHT NOW 🫵

I’m honored to have worked with such a fantastic creator to bring my coffee-powered body to life!!

Feast your eyes on more awesome art on his profile while I get ready for the debut! 🐊

#widowARTed

[IsGOODtoBE @IamGOODtoBE]

Here's a Character Design commission from
@widowskinner
On Twich https://t.co/hzflmf9oe8 Got lot of fun redesigning this character, mixing up Dungeon/fantasy style with more office look and vibe! #horror #characterdesign #digitalartist #fantasy #office

[IsGOODtoBE @IamGOODtoBE]

Here's a Character Design commission from
@widowskinner
On Twich https://t.co/hzflmf9oe8 Got lot of fun redesigning this character, mixing up Dungeon/fantasy style with more office look and vibe! #horror #characterdesign #digitalartist #fantasy #office

[WIDOWSKINNER 🐊☕️🖨️ @widowskinner]

@AmayaHimesawa