William Bryant

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

*notices wife has 5 asparagus on her plate while I only have 4* everything ok? 'fine' [hour later during car ride home] you're speeding

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

'honey. I can't wait to do missionary later!' *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Appreciate how some people don't come out of ATM till they find the meaning of life right there.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

The declawed cats that I feel most sorry for are the ones that want to play scratch off lottery tickets.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Five Secrets of Successful People:1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I thought I loved you but it turned out I just had too much coffee.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Obviously we have our own shitty lives to worry about now but it would be fun to all move into a Twitter nursing home in 50 years.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I always feel a little sad for a guy when I notice he missed a belt loop on his pants or lost his family in a fire.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

thinking of calling crepes 'frenchiladas' from now on who's with me

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Just had a kale and quinoa salad and now my name is Autumn and I braid my hair and drive a Subaru.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Twilight is the timeless story of a girl who must choose between ripped abs or clingy dependency.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse is less than one horsepower. you've got yourself a crap horse.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I have been using teeth whitener. and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I still whisper We're in to myself whenever I log onto a wifi network.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Can anyone recommend a good website where people I knew in high school post pics of their meals?

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I have a basic password for my online banking and a complicated one for twitter. Wouldn't want some hacker breaking in and posting bullshit.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

I'm just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.

[William Bryant @williambryant_]

If I could. I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.