William O'Fend

Ex ninja master, five time Emmy award watcher, porn star, writer, lover, actor, I tickle crocodiles for fun, big time liar.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

The only good part about getting food poisoning is that I can play a Vulcan on Star Trek. I think my heart and liver switched places in my body. Most of my other organs may or may not be in their original location.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I swear if I hear the words peaceful transition of power one more time, I'm going to lose it.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I remember growing up in Virginia Beach and we had Lee Jackson day. Then it was Lee Jackson King day. I first thought it was one guy. I was young. It was a big thing. People now would literally explode if they knew about that.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

Some of these lotion commercials are confusing. I just saw one that said "contains hydro urea". Isn't that fancy for pee? I prefer lotion without pee.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

Not for nothing but why is every other tv commercial for ladies whole body spray? What are you all doing? In full disclosure, you aren't spraying it on your tummy. It should be hole body spray.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

If I was Dorothy, I'd be like. Bitch, you mean, like 3 hours ago you could have told me just tap your heels and you will be home instead of doing all this bullshit. Those monkeys were freaking terrifying, don't even mention that heroin nap and what that midget did to my dog.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I just got off a plane and I don't understand how people can have sex in those tiny bathrooms. I mean I could barely finish masturbating. Especially with all that knocking and people yelling, sir, sir are you ok? Give me a second, jeez.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

The day after an election is always awesome. Guess what's going to happen tomorrow? Nothing. Next day? Nothing. Next month. Nothing.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I just saw a commercial for erectile dysfunction medicine that's a lotion. That's either a really good idea or a really bad idea.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

What an amazing time to be alive where we can have electronic versions of things like e-learning, e-commerce, e-mail and e-coli.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

Can we collectively please get rid of saying "let's go!" On everything?

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

Whoever is in charge, please get rid of tiny microphones and the box one with that thing I used to have at the end of a pencil where you rub it in between your hands and make the hair go crazy.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

How come nobody told me we have a midget/little person badminton team? They are actually quite good. I can't stop watching it.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

If you remember when songs quietly slowly got quiet the last five seconds or put a piece of paper on those tape holes waiting for your song to come up on the top 10 at 10. Time for your colonoscopy.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I swear if someone says unprecedented times, nobody is above the law, or let me be clear one more effing time, I'm going to lose my bananas.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

@ChilesJordan Keep it, what are they going to do, send someone to come get it from you? Do they take the poster too?

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I don't really understand Only Fans. Do people not realize you can see anything for free? I come from a dial up era where it took three minutes to get a fake Jennifer Anniston photo line by line top to bottom and silently say.....don't have a dick, don't have a dick. Shit

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

Watching trampoline in the #OlympicGames he would get so much higher if like three or four chubby kids also jumped in the corners

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I played fantasy football once 25 years ago. I remember you could trade players. Now multi countries are trading prisoners. Not for nothing but I think we just traded Daunte Culpeper, Brett Favre and Randy Moss for Bubby Brister and a third rounder.

[William O'Fend @willoffendyou]

I had a network TV drama show in the background while I was doing stuff around the house. Then I was like, this is awful. There's like writers, actors, camera people, directors. Isn't there someone that says, yeah that sucks, I'm out.