Winning OneLiners

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[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

[scar @imfat]

if we all quit our jobs at the exact same time what they gonna do

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

We're all in show business the minute we walk out the door.

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

I think Apple lying about this storage shit

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Arachnophobia is so stupid.

Just let spiders get married!

[Midnight Cowboy 🇺🇸 @cowboyjeffkent]

You look like the kind of person who’d leave a yelp review for a dive bar

[Zabby ♡ @Africanzabby]

if you ever see my nipples through my shirt just know that i know

[Mr.Carter @dexteristwisted]

I think my problem is I have really fantastic bad ideas

[arvo färt @arvofart]

You couldn’t make The Office today. It would take way longer than that

[Hadas Weiss @weiss_hadas]

i hope elon doesn't let the money change him

[femiiiiii. @femiiiszn]

books are amazing because a stranger from 200 years ago can still ruin your afternoon emotionally.

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

i put my phone on dark mode and now it won’t stop listening to The Cure

[spongebob @spongebob7117]

people be like "bear with me" and they have no bear with them

[Papii🥤 @ammalusty]

why do baby clothes have pockets when they have no money or goals

[Zion @zionszzn]

it's our first time on earth so why are you a life coach?????

[Papii🥤 @ammalusty]

I was pulled over by a Police Officer. He looked at my license and said "you're supposed to be wearing glasses". I said I have contacts. He said he didn't care who I know

[ravn @mfnravn]

and if i saw an alien i wouldn’t even give af honestly i got too much going on fr

[ashley noelle @ash_isawitch]

This meeting would have been better if it was a bouncy castle.

[threetimedaddy @threetimedaddy]

If you think you’ve had a bad day, my 9 year old came home from school with a trumpet.

[Zack Kahn @zackkahn]

@michaelharriot @Satiristas Spirit Airlines be like:

ROUND TRIP Only $399*!!!!

*Additional Fees:
Luggage $80
Pilot fee $96
Seat $180
Seat belt $60
In-flight oxygen $199
Cloud tax $75
Water $7
Cup for water $4
Bathroom $45
Landing fee $155
Personal Space N/A