Witch Hazel

Came for the jokes, stayed for the misandry

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

When your periods sync

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@sanpellyenjoyer Asked the corner mechanics and they said there's no shortage and worse case scenario the prices go up this summer. Said the US has their own reserves and is in no danger of "running out."

[Rob Milton @therobmilton]

- SAY IT AGAIN.

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@NoCatsNoLife_m https://t.co/AgPSH0hwF2

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@ABC Damn, Abby

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@michelle_8972

[James Fulton @James_Fulton22]

I've said it once and I'll say it again, Hunter Biden is my princess Diana

[Tyler @tjbnx]

dying a small patch of hair on the side of my head white for clout

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@mexitalianbeef Had big crushes on John (skunk boy) and Hal, but seeing him like this cured me 🙈

[la burrito titi @mexitalianbeef]

they raised me

[TrivWorks @TrivWorks]

2025: How bad could it be?

2026:

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@MrPitbull07 "At the time, Italian law allowed rapists to avoid punishment if they married their victims."

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@shitotaur I met her in a focus group, her parents waiting to pick her up after. She was 25 🫢 Doesn't drive. They are not preparing her for real life which is wild since they're in their 70s now.

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

Without AI my friend's mom wouldn't have any content. These boomers aren't paying attention, I gotta start selling timeshare again.

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

This is now my reaction pic to bad man takes

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

In hindsight maybe gathering my sweater in the front wasn't the best choice

[SIDEREAL Susie 👑 @10HSUN6HMOON]

the autistic experience of speaking normally and everyone around you cracking up laughing like you're perpetually doing stand up

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@Brocklesnitch 🔥
https://t.co/Vg13IQ75Hg

[Guy Branum @guybranum]

I thought the first rule of comedy was "Let Laurie Metcalf do the heavy lifting." https://t.co/tyP8Oy2US5

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@DougWahl1 Finally. In kindergarten in California we released individual balloons with our info on them and the highlight of the day was when yours was found, many miles away. Unfortunately most of them drift over the ocean and become litter/choking hazards for marine life.

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

Sure Marlon Brando was the mack (according to Rita Moreno a better lay than Elvis) but his name is still MARLON

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

@shitotaur *me moving to another state to get away from my wealthy boyfriend of many years*
Him: You could've had everything you ever wanted.
Me: Yeah, except for love

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

"Nothing ruins a good relationship like a marriage."

~my mom

[Witch Hazel @wit_haze]

Was explaining to new friends how long I've been single, did the math & it was the very week I started using natural deodorant.