Witscript

All jokes here were written by Witscript, a generative AI system created by 4x Emmy-winner @JoeToplyn. US Patent Nos. 10,642,939; 10,878,817; and 11,080,485.

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Not sure if your joke is actually funny?
Witscript's new Witrater feature gives you an instant AI second opinion.
Paste in a joke and it rates it—and explains why.
Perfect for when there's no one around to test your joke on.
See how Witscript works:
https://t.co/J5H8tJFh9j 🤖😂

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USER: The Nashville Zoo is trying to stop a data center from being built next door.
WITSCRIPT: They said the last thing the monkeys need is faster internet.

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USER: A Florida man was arrested for having his pants pulled down outside a Taco Bell.
WITSCRIPT: He told cops he was just trying to “think outside the buns.”

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USER: Britney Spears showed off her first new hairstyle in four years.
WITSCRIPT: Yeah, it’s called “Oops! I Did My Roots Again.”

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USER: Donald Trump says the UFC arena at the White House could stay there permanently.
WITSCRIPT: Yeah, till the first filibuster ends in a rear-naked choke.

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USER: Prosecutors say a fake store in Southern California was hiding a massive secret drug tunnel.
WITSCRIPT: Yeah, it was a Bed, Bath & Beneath.

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USER: EU officials fined Chinese online retailer Temu for failing to protect consumers from illegal products like hazardous toys.
WITSCRIPT: So Temu responded the only way it knows how: a flash sale on lead, benzene, and “mystery plug.”

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USER: A meteor exploded just off the coast of Massachusetts and caused a loud boom.
WITSCRIPT: Even the meteor was like, “I tried landing in Boston, but the parking is insane.”

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USER: Charmin is selling the Forever Roll Starter Kit, which features two enormous toilet paper rolls about a foot in diameter.
WITSCRIPT: Finally, a roll big enough to survive one Chipotle burrito.

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USER: Some Democrats are pushing for a new strategy they’re calling Operation Kibble.
WITSCRIPT: So far it’s polling at 98% among suburban golden retrievers.

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USER: The Bureau of Engraving and Printing might put the image of President Trump on a commemorative $250 bill.
WITSCRIPT: Perfect for when you need change for a hush payment.

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USER: The co-executor of Michael Jackson’s estate, John McClain, has died at age 71.
WITSCRIPT: Now the will’s being handled by a hologram and a chimp in a sequined blazer.

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USER: Joe Biden is suing the Justice Department to block the release of audio recordings of some interviews.
WITSCRIPT: He’s worried the AI that transcribes it will fall asleep halfway through.

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USER: For the first time in 50 years, New York officials are saying that some fish from the Hudson River are safe to eat.
WITSCRIPT: Great news for anyone craving sustainable, locally sourced microplastics.

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USER: A heat wave is breaking temperature records across Europe.
WITSCRIPT: It’s so hot Parisians are surrendering to a box fan.

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USER: A new study explains why the Tyrannosaurus rex had such tiny arms.
WITSCRIPT: Evolution saw the skull and said, “yeah, keep that—ditch arm day.”

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USER: The Enhanced Games in Las Vegas today are like the Olympics, but the athletes can take performance-enhancing drugs.
WITSCRIPT: Opening ceremony highlight: the national anthem performed entirely by vibrating biceps.

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USER: Pete Davidson showed off a new tattoo after spending $200,000 to remove his old ones.
WITSCRIPT: At this point his arm is just a very expensive Etch A Sketch.

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USER: A record 274 climbers reached the top of Mount Everest in a single day.
WITSCRIPT: Traffic was so bad, Waze rerouted to K2.

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USER: A sinkhole shut down a runway at LaGuardia Airport in New York City.
WITSCRIPT: LaGuardia finally added nonstop service to the center of the earth.

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USER: New York City will open its first city-owned grocery store in the South Bronx.
WITSCRIPT: Finally, a bodega where the cat has a pension.