Becky Vieira | Witty Otter

Author, Enough About the Baby, available now! @UnionSqAndCo • Wearing mom jeans since 2016 • Writer @scarymommy @babycenter more • Eichler living •

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Society started referring to moms as superheroes because it was easier to sit back and let us do everything while making it seem like a compliment rather than taking things off our plates, or actually stepping up and helping us.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

I love that little dance we do together as pedestrians and drivers.

The pedestrian steps into the crosswalk and gives that little wave that says, "Thank you for not committing vehicular homicide, even though you're legally obligated to stop."

The driver gives a nod that says, "You're welcome. This has set me back almost six entire seconds, so if you could hustle, that'd be great."

The pedestrian gives one last wave: "I appreciate you temporarily respecting my right to exist, you self-important prick."

The driver nods back: "Move it. I have absolutely nowhere important to be, but I'd still like to get there immediately.”

And somehow, we've all agreed this is what civility looks like.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

I still can't believe some people think that being surrounded by rainbows and Pride Month will "turn" you gay.

By that logic, I should have turned into a Diet Coke can sometime around 1997.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads—and to the men who just prefer to be called Daddy.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

All you people up there on your hydration high horse with your beloved water...

Did you know that, according to the CDC, drinking too much water too quickly can cause water toxicity?

You know what doesn't cause water toxicity?

Diet Coke.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

My son was 1 when he attended a wedding between two men.

He danced at the reception. Ate the cake. Saw the grooms kiss.

And, just to really stack the deck against him, I breastfed him in public, let him wear nail polish, and never once told him—or even implied—that there was anything wrong with being gay.

Nearly a decade later, the results of this extensive conversion program have been deeply disappointing.

It's beginning to seem like children don't actually become gay through exposure after all.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

People love to bash Diet Coke.

What they don't tell you is that the Coca-Cola Company has awarded more than $1.7 billion in charitable grants—funded, in part, by sales of Diet Coke.

So the next time someone criticizes your Diet Coke, remind them it's not just a beverage.

It's philanthropy.

Then ask them why they're so opposed to charitable giving.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

In case no one told you this today, you are a brilliant, strong and badass CUNT!

Now get out there and spread your cunt rainbows 🌈 and cunt glitter ✨everywhere you go—the world needs more people like you!

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

16 Candles as an adult:
•Farmer Ted spends half the movie acting like a Harvey Weinstein
•Grandma talks about Samantha's "boobies" and feels her up
•Long Duk Dong is an entire subplot built on racial stereotypes
•Sam gives Ted her panties, which he then charges people $1 to see as proof they had sex
•Jake hands his blackout-drunk girlfriend over to Ted like she's a raffle prize
•Her sister overdoses on muscle relaxers at her own wedding
•Samantha's dad suggests she skip the reception and leave with a guy he’s never seen before, a guy who tried to trick his girlfriend into s*x with a stranger the night prior

I think forgetting her birthday might be the least concerning thing that happened here.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Thank you for being the friend I can trust completely when I’m not in the room—not only with my secrets, but with my reputation.

Not because people wouldn’t try to talk about me when I’m not around.

But because I know you’d defend me in my absence exactly the way you love me in my presence.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

You're not just my friend, you’re my emotional support raccoon.

Thank you for sitting beside me behind the dumpster, helping me sort through life's trash and somehow convincing me it's treasure.

I wouldn’t want to dig through this mess with anyone else.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Frozen is just a movie about a family that desperately needed therapy.

Instead of helping Elsa with her powers, her parents cut her off from her sister and isolated her.

Anna has the emotional maturity of a golden retriever and decides to marry a man she met five minutes ago. A man who is clearly using her in his quest for world domination, but she’s too busy singing to notice.

The entire plot could have been avoided with better parenting, healthier communication and one licensed therapist.

Instead, they got a snowman.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

There is not one parent on social media right now who can believe that it’s already the end of the school year.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

To my fellow sports parents…
a message from our children.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

I’m this old.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Maybe Cinderella wasn’t an oppressed servant. Maybe she was actually on drugs and her stepmother was just a perfectly nice woman trying to help her?

Think about it.
She was locked in an attic and forced to do chores (rehab) while she talked to animals (hallucinating).
She sneaks out to meet her fairy godmother (dealer) who transforms a pumpkin into a carriage (more hallucinations).
She goes to a party, dances with a guy who can’t remember her face the next morning, loses a shoe and rushes to be home by midnight (bed check).

I think we all owe her stepmother a big apology for the years of slander.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

As an adult, I see Rose much differently. That twat left a trail of emotional and financial destruction across two centuries and somehow ended up as the heroine.

Evidence:
*Engaged to a man for money
*Loathes her fiancée, yet had no problem spending his money
*Gossiped about everyone around her
*Smugly points out there aren't enough lifeboats for everyone, then casually spends the rest of the day flirting with a stranger
*Posed naked for a stranger
*Cheated on her fiancé
*Jumped off a lifeboat, leaving an empty seat that could have saved someone else, just to go back to Jack
*Got Jack killed by monopolizing a floating door
*Faked her death. Even her own mother thought she was gone
*Let her granddaughter spend years as her live-in caretaker while she quietly sat on a priceless diamond
*Waited 84 years just to throw said diamond into the ocean
*Died and immediately abandoned her husband in the afterlife to reunite with a one-night stand

The older I get, the more I think Cal’s biggest problem is just his poor taste in women.

[Becky Vieira | Witty Otter @wittyotter_]

Went to a wedding between two men today.

Happy to report the heterosexual community survived.

Two people got married. Love prevailed. Cake was consumed.

If you’re against gay marriage, just say “no thank you” if a gay person proposes.

Problem solved.