Wizard Person

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The family seems to be happy with nothing. A giant Burmese leopard-eating snake basks in front of their piggish faces like a poem, and, of course, they want it to dance for them.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The staircases are a maddening, mobile architecture that forever fucks up the students' days by moving here and there without warning.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

'I am Harry.'

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The end.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

He lays down the law on Harry's schooling: a big fat Yes, he's going. Hagar also goes on to say that the great Dumbledore is the teacher at Hogwarts, and will make Harry into a man and stuff.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The faculty table is full of weirdo professors, and goblin-faced women, and there are floppy and pointy head decorations, the true markings of master magicians.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

Hunching through the library, Dazzler unknowingly grazes by our hero, who is as stealth as a kitten in mittens. Dazzler is a man who obviously has never heard the laugh of a lover, never heard the phrase 'You are fine' from a doctor.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

As H. P. comes out of his reverie, he is amazed to see that his friend Upfish has had some sort of serious accident. Professor Catface gingerly escorts Upfish away from all the jeering urchins and up towards the nurses' zone of awesome bedtime suckers.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

Harmony feels small in their presence, so she decides to split hairs with the Bear.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

' Applause all around, and Harry thinks to himself that this will be a long, long night.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The Child Sorting Hat Ceremony begins with the Wretched Harmony.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

'I am Harry Fucking Potter!'

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

Soon, they are up around the crossbow fire where detention always gets started. Hagar mopes and speaks about his dragon flying off on him in the night, and how he's sad.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

P. knows he's got to make it right, even though it feels so good to make it wrong.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

Dumbledore sings a little song, a pleasant song that sounds like a flute, a flute that was designed by Jesus Christ.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

As the sun streams on their faces, he throws his leg over his steed and begins to rip the air a new one.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

'It's going to be okay', he thinks.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

Even impeded by the onslaught of letters, the now totally-bonkers Uncle Porkstar crashes down on Harry. The battle that would have been is now a sad display, Harry at the drunken bottom of a depression well, and his once-formidable foe mindless and flailing.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

The air begins to tell Queerman to retrieve the Stone using our champion, using H. P. as a vehicle, for only innocence can retrieve the Stone from the Gate of Heaven. The Stone is locked behind Heaven's gate and only a pure soul may enter.

[Wizard Person @wizard_people]

But as Harry gazes, the mirror activates his magic eye to reveal a secret image.