William Malmborg

Author of the novel Jimmy. And other novels that aren't Jimmy.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

@claypoupart No, I no longer have either.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

@apstribling This is really cool. And thank you for doing such a fantastic job with the narration!

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Young Lady at Counter: *smiling* "Good morning!"

Me: *something catches in throat just as I start to reply* "Goolalralghallaaaa!"

Young Lady: ...

Me: ...

Young Lady: ...

Me: "... BLT bagel please."

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Eating Oreos with a cat in my lap while watching true crime documentaries. Does it get any better than this?

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

@BNMuraca Glad you enjoyed it. I do plan on writing a sequel to that one, though I haven't started anything with it yet. Probably will be a few years.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Cutting into a cantaloupe ... it might be ripe, it might not be ripe.
Opening a pizza box on the other hand ... always perfect.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Them: *after reading one of my novels* "He must be insane and spends all his free time burying bodies in his backyard."

Me: *during my free time* "ZOMG! I just discovered this awesome YouTube Channel with a costumed historian preparing meals from the 18th century."

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Trying to get this married couple in my latest novel to be intimate with eachother is like being one of those zookeepers tasked with getting pandas to reproduce. Here I am offering all the encouragement that I can think of, yet all they want to do is sit around eating bamboo.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

I don't want to make anyone jealous, but this evening I will be eating pizza while watching an old Murder, She Wrote / Magnum PI crossover episode from 1986 that I just discovered on one of my streaming channels.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Tommy: "I helped!"

Me: *looking at destroyed puzzle* "Thanks ..."

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Sometimes I have to remind myself that many of the conversations I have with people only take place in my mind and thus I can't rely on them remembering what we talked about during that dramatic interaction that unfolded in my kitchen, or my office, or my shower.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

You can lead a human to knowledge, but you cannot make them think.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Some people smile when they see children building a snowman. I don't. Instead I ponder the possibility that the little wombspawns have killed the babysitter and are hiding her body parts within.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Me: Looks like I'll need to hire someone to come out and replace that corner of carpet in my office.

Also Me: Wait! If a blood-covered spouse on Forensic Files can replace some carpet overnight before hiding a body, I can surely do it myself during the day while drinking tea.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

I used to think it would be pretty cool to work in a graveyard, but then realize that it is the type of job where you can't even call off if you're dead since they'll just send someone over to drag you in.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

New motion sensor cat toy + me getting a bowl of Frosted Flakes in the middle of the night = cats watching with amusement as I accidentally trigger the toy and subsequently throw my bowl of Frosted Flakes all over the kitchen while screaming in terror.

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Me: "See that vacuum in the middle of the room? You can either go to the left of it or the right of it, but not through it."

Also Me: *walks right into the vacuum* "F*%^!!"

[Amanda Stribling @apstribling]

Well yay!!!!! My sweet innocent little pseudo @AlliePNarrates is a finalist in the Adrenaline Awards! she is very very excited to not only get nominated but become a finalist! And Daddy’s Little Girl is succchhhh a good horror! @HorrorFireside @wlmalmborg @nl_audio

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

Tommy: "Are you going to pet my cute little belly?"

Me: "Are you going to spring a cuteness trap on me and shred my flesh with those claws if I do?"

Tommy: "No ...."

[William Malmborg @wlmalmborg]

My roses aren't red,
your violets aren't blue.
If you like my novels,
you'll be in a straitjacket too.

Happy National Poetry Day!!