🍎 maria 🍏🏈

i laugh at the number 69 every single time

[Miles Smith IV @IVMiles]

Scherzer and Verlander retiring the same week is the baseball version of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson dying on July 4th for guys my age.

[Trey Mckenney Enthusiast @Gobluety1]

Everyone in Michigan, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and New Jersey right now.

[Selene Mariposa @Selene_Mariposa]

America turns 250 today.

Let me read back the resume.

We started by telling a king to pound sand, in writing.

By 1803 we bought half a continent from France for about four cents an acre.

We fought a war with ourselves and somehow stayed one country.

We strung a railroad across the entire thing.

We handed the world the lightbulb, the telephone, and the airplane in about thirty years flat.

Then a man named Willis Carrier invented air conditioning and made half the planet actually livable.

You are welcome, Texas. You are welcome, Dubai.

Twice the whole world caught fire, and twice we showed up and helped put it out.

We split the atom.

We put men on the moon in 1969.

Then we went back and hit golf balls up there, because why not.

We invented jazz, blues, rock and roll, and hip-hop, and the whole planet is still dancing to it.

We put a burger and fries on every corner of the earth.

We built rockets that fly themselves home and land standing straight up.

We flew a helicopter on Mars.

We launched a car into actual space and it is still out there cruising.

We also invented ranch dressing and somehow talked the entire world into putting it on pizza.

Priorities.

We even invented three of our own sports so we could win them.

Baseball, basketball, and football.

Real football, the kind with hands, because we named it and we are not taking corrections.

The rest of the planet can keep soccer, which is fine, we are hosting it in our backyard this summer anyway.

And yes, Canadian football exists, wider field, extra man, one fewer down, and we try very hard not to think about it.

Frankly it was generous of us to invent our own games.

If we put all that energy into soccer, nobody else would ever lift that trophy again.

We would win it so often they would just rename it the America’s Cup and hand us the keys.

You are welcome for the suspense.

And in 2026 we threw a birthday so big a German tourist live-tweeted our gas stations to 750,000 people.

Not every chapter was clean.

We argued, we stumbled, we fixed what we broke, and we kept building.

That is the whole trick.

Two hundred and fifty years in, and we are still the loudest, brightest, most improbable experiment on the map.

Not bad for a country that started as a strongly worded letter to a king.

Happy birthday, America.

🦋

[Merriam-Webster @MerriamWebster]

Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the U.K. but ‘canceled’ in the U.S.?

Because we gave them that L in 1776.

[U.S. Department of the Interior @Interior]

Built for the wild. Built for the moment.

Wolverines roam remote wilderness and dominate the hardwood. 

Congratulations to the Michigan Wolverines on their NCAA championship. 🏆 🏀

[🍎 maria 🍏🏈 @wombang]

HOOOOLY

H A I L

#GoBlue 💙💛🏀

[NHL @NHL]

Celebrini cinema 😮‍💨

Czechia vs. Canada is LIVE at the #MilanoCortina2026 #WinterOlympics on @peacock, @USANetwork, @cbcsports, & @cbcgem!

(🎨: @nba_paint)

[🍎 maria 🍏🏈 @wombang]

🥹🥹🥹🥹

[Justin Verlander @JustinVerlander]

Back where it all started

[🍎 maria 🍏🏈 @wombang]

My king 💙🧡

[Detroit Tigers @tigers]

The Tigers have signed three-time American League Cy Young and nine-time All-Star RHP Justin Verlander to a one-year contract for the 2026 season.

Welcome home, JV!

[Jarvis @jarvis_best]

Olympic skiers are like “I have 2% body fat. I train 23 hours a day. I have had 87 surgeries” and Olympic snowboarders are like “I have smoked this many drugs today” and they hold up their hand which is in a mitten.

[Jared Carrabis @Jared_Carrabis]

Imagine telling back-to-back Cy Young award winner and model citizen Tarik Skubal who bleeds Detroit blue that you're planning on slandering him in court so you can pay him $19M instead of $32 million, but have no problem with paying Framber Valdez $38M a year over three years.

[Barry @BarryOnHere]

You know karma isn't real because Boston fans are literally the worst people on the planet and they are rewarded with nothing but successful sports teams.

[Charlie Batch @CharlieBatch16]

How'd i catch a stray in this? Lol

[lynk @lynk0x]

Do crackheads ever say, “I’m too broke to smoke crack tonight”?

No. They get up and make it happen.

Lesson in there.

[Marco Rubio @marcorubio]

I do not normally respond to online rumors but feel the need to do so at this moment

I will not be a candidate for the currently vacant HC and GM positions with the Miami Dolphins.

While you never know what the future may bring right now my focus must remain on global events and also the precious archives of the United States of America.

Thank you

[TheDoomerTapes @DoomerTapes]

Bombing the corpse of Hugo Chavez for fun is exactly what I voted for

[Dave @tufdave]

My siblings and I went out to dinner with my dad and we started talking about dad jokes we liked. All of a sudden my dad goes “I’ve only made 3 dad jokes my entire life and they’re all sitting in front of me right now

[Jerry Thornton @jerrythornton]

This has been my favorite for as long as I can remember, and still I just learned something new. When Linus recites Luke: 8-14, it’s the one time he isn’t holding his security blanket. Because in that moment, he doesn’t need it.

[keefer (🦁 2-1) @keefersaturn]

the detroit lions could be seconds away from the super bowl and a black hole will open next to ford field and swallow up the entire planet

we are not allowed by god himself to do or be shit