Jake Wright

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

The natural order is restored, and Big Bird is safe once again! #2012debates

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

Was Mozart the Justin Bieber of his day, or is Justin Bieber the Mozart of ours? #makesyouthink

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

I saw my new @Swiffer needed batteries (not included) and thought "HELL no!" But then it made an R2-D2 noise which I always wanted in a mop.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@jaguarusa So excited to go skating at the #chillny - picking up my boyfriend after work tomorrow, hope it's not too busy!

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@JesseThorn Please get Philip
Treacy on the show! He's a huge fan of American public radio and podcasting, right?

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

I've got 99 luftballoons, but a bitch ain't one #internationalwaters

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

So everyone is cool with McGruff taking a bite out of crime, but my dog takes a bite out of some kid's face and everyone raises a stink?

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

Just woke up from a dream that involved an animated shootout between a brown goose, two skinny bears, and Madonna. There were no survivors.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

Business idea: crowdsourced funding for niche pornography. Call it Dickstarter.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

Accidentally took two adderall instead of one this morning. This will be an interesting day.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

I'm tired of talking about cortelyou. I want to talk about cortelme.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

At what point does a car stop being a hummer limo and become a bus?

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@RGA but on the plus side, you'll have hundreds of discounted cocktails to dull the pain.

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@gibblertron Happy birthday! @bryansafi OK I did the job, where's my rock?

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

Today I'm wearing blue, because I'm only half #irish and blue is half of green. Also green makes me look choleric. #stpatricks

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@colbykeller I made thrillist today! With my very phallic design work. Tweet to your peen-hungry followers! http://t.co/UQsatU6l

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

To insure male attention during evacuation, inflate vest fully as shown. #flightsafety

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@grahamclark yellow brick road truckers #ozrealityshows

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

If you look at porn & used car listings before bed, you will dream of buying a used subaru with income from your time at a brothel. #dreams

[Jake Wright @wrightmonster]

@colbykeller well I DO make a table everyone says is super phallic. I don't see it.