wrong tos

fake quotes from star trek the original series

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spock: hey. when i grow up i’m going to join starfleet. and i’m going to be a science officer.
sarek: you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

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mccoy: i'm not a bad person. if i see weirdos i’m always polite. i never stare at them yet i’m careful not to look away
chapel: not with spock
mccoy: i said weirdos, not pointy eared homos
chapel:
mccoy: some, perhaps, may construe that last comment as offensive—

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spock: pain is of the mind
mccoy: pain is my foot in your ass spock

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uhura: scared to face me in the ship talent show?
spock: i am second in command of a starship. a talent show does not frighten me
uhura: oh good so you’re used to coming in second

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mccoy: it’s freezing out, i can’t feel my extremities
spock: …what extremities

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spock: mccoy disrespected me
jim: how did he do that
spock: he told me i did a good job
jim:
spock:
jim: you are a library of confusion.

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sulu: but the high five is just so stupid
scotty: oh yeah? i’ll tell you what’s stupid. you. stupid

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spock: i have no cough reflex and excellent bladder control
mccoy: it’s true, all the good ones are married

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sybok: but how could god… harm my brother, my best friend, and my boyfriend? this is wrong!
mccoy:
mccoy: just so we’re clear which of us is the best friend and which-
jim: for christs sake bones you’re clearly the boyfriend

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mccoy: i really think you should talk about reproduction with charlie. you know, the birds and the bees
jim: bones there is a difference between reproductive education and discussing s-e-x with c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n
scotty: sex cauldron? i thought they closed that place years ago

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uhura: spock, another spot on our delegation to the conference just opened up. i think the captain should come with us
spock: i love that idea-!
uhura:
spock: i mean. that is logically sound.

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mccoy: jim, i can tell you’ve been having trouble lately. you know if you ever wanna talk, you’ve got an ear
jim: thank-
mccoy: two big pointy ones.
jim:
jim: oh so you weren’t offering your own support. you were volunteering spock’s for the purpose of making a joke.
mccoy: yeah

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amanda: spock understand we love you like a son but even parents have limits

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mccoy, holding the door open for spock and making an “after you” gesture: shit before the shovel

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p.a.: attention captain kirk, your daughter has been arrested
jim: well that’s where saavik is, what about spock?
p.a.: we’ve also arrested your older, bitchier, more feminine daughter
mccoy: there he is

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mccoy: jim listen, if spock and i get into a shuttlecraft together only one of us is gonna come out alive

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sarek: good night, spock. always stay as curious as you are. good night, michael. i know you’ll make me proud. good night, sybok.
sarek:
sarek: i like your sheets.

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uhura: oh little pigeon, you’re so cute i’d kiss you if you weren’t swimming with disease

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mccoy: i have some problems controlling my anger
spock: i had no idea. for you see, i have been in the delta quadrant for the last decade. in a cave. with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

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jim: as first officer, spock often serves as my eyes and ears on the ship
spock: should the need arise, i also fill in for any other part of the captain’s body