Sam Schnetz

Taking it allll in.

[bob saget @bobsaget]

If my birthday card is not delivered to me on my actual birthday, I refuse to accept it —as it is thereby a fraudulent birthday card.

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

@Scribd what are the chances you guys could whip up a cheap lightweight e-reader with a long enough battery life for people who read for longer than 7 hours straight? 🤓

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

😋

[Icing on the Cupcake @icingonthecpcke]

In a galaxy far, far away.....there was a cupcake!
Enjoy our Star Wars Confetti Cupcake today.

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

There is a time for beans and there is a time for ketchup #madmen

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

I was just sitting on my phone for so long my whole right hand fell asleep 📱🚫

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

Somebody needs to invent DoorDash but from the fridge to my couch. #illpayyou #cantleavethecouch

[Icing on the Cupcake @icingonthecpcke]

Cookie sandwich lineup on point👌🏽 #IStartedMyDietButThen

[Icing on the Cupcake @icingonthecpcke]

Thanks @Sacbiz & @ssorichsacbiz Cupcake chain gets new owners, with a familiar last name https://t.co/obdkFfu92x via @Sacbiz

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

Ladies next to me in airport be networking and schmoozing. While I #beardown on some wings. #animal

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

@SteveMartinToGo Dear Satan, why did you create the popcorn button if we are never allowed to use it?

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

@SteveMartinToGo I went to an antique fair the other day. I saw a lot of antiques there, walking around.

[Chipotle @ChipotleTweets]

Which would be better: a taco the size of a whale or a whale the size of a taco?

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

Settling into shavasana in my living room and I hear someone #barf in the street. #namastew

[Happy Accidents @accidents_happy]

All hands on deck! #behindthescenes #happyaccidents

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

If only Google would grant our wishes and not just suggest them. https://t.co/ETZyqIYFHq

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

Going to try and catch this mosquito buzzing around my head with my eyeball. #squintskill

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

https://t.co/S7jGFIA6Xk To all of my crazy stalker Twitter followers. You're invited to come see me in the flesh. #standup #comedy

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

@YardHouse imagining myself floating on a raft behind the bar while all the taps are flowing #beerbath

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

I've just spent my night unsubscribing from email lists and stuffing swag bags. At least I got to chat with @karlster_ #foodiesoulmate

[Sam Schnetz @yamz4lyfe]

When you're on a run and you see a coconut water carton tossed carelessly on nature's sacred visage. #vegan #vandalism