Ashlin Contino

licensed cosmotologist ❤️

[Ashlin Contino @yoitsSmash]

Eric Danes documentary really has me in my feels… knowing his life before fame and then that’s how he goes out.. life is cruel

[Devon Eriksen @Devon_Eriksen_]

Some of you may be wondering why the entire bureaucratic caste of the USA is completely obsessed with weird sex stuff.

Sure, we can all have good fun ranting about how insane this cult is, and watching them melt down when we leave skid marks on their sacred icons, but sooner or later, you gotta ask... why.

It's the toaster-fucker problem. Some of you may be familiar. Goes like this, and I quote:

I blame the internet. Back in the days before it, we had to learn to live with those around us, now you can just go out and find someone as equally stupid as yourself.

I call it the toaster fucker problem. Man wakes up in 1980, tells his friends "I want to fuck a toaster" Friends quite rightly berate and laugh at him, guy deals with it, maybe gets some therapy and goes on a bit better adjusted.

Guy in 2021 tells his friends that he wants to fuck a toaster, gets laughed at, immediately jumps on facebook and finds "Toaster Fucker Support group" where he reads that he's actually oppressed and he needs to cut out everyone around him and should only listen to his fellow toaster fuckers.

Apply this analogy to literally any insular bubble, it applies as equally to /r/thedonald as it does to the emaciated Che Guevara larpers that cry thinking about ringing their favourite pizza place.

But the toaster fucker problem doesn't stop there.

Because every social group has an axis of prestige. They have to compete with each other for status somehow. That's what humans do.

And in the toaster-fucking group, the axis of prestige aligns with fucking toasters.

So first they compete to see who can fuck the most toasters.

Then, when that is saturated, they one up each other by being most open with the general public about their toaster fucking ways.

Then they make toaster-fucker pride t-shirts and hats and bumper stickers.

Then they move on to bragging about how they sneak into other people's kitchens and fuck their toasters, too, and swap tips for how to introduce kids to the joys of toaster-fucking.

But it doesn't stop there, either.

Pretty soon normal people, who ten years before would shrugged and said "that's weird", are now sick of toaster-fucker flags everywhere and their kids being told to fuck toasters by sickos, and now they're going to burn every toaster-fucker flag they see, and Florida just passed a law requiring you to be 21 years old with proof of ID to buy a toaster. And Utah has banned toasters altogether and the Mormons have stopped even eating toast, bagels, waffles, or any other heated bread product.

But it doesn't stop there, either.

Because a few toaster-fuckers get beaten with fence posts by people sick of hearing about toaster-fucking, and other people, who didn't see or hear the toaster-fuckers' prior behavior, say "holy shit, toaster fuckers really are oppressed". And they decide to become "toaster-fucker allies", despite the fact that they haven't the slightest real interest in fucking any toasters themselves.

But it doesn't stop there. Because toaster-fucking has become a sacred cause, it must now must compete with other sacred causes for the minds of highly programmable non-player characters, and there are clashes in the streets between the Toaster Fucker Pride March and the Stop Raccoon Shaving protests.

This is what "go outside and touch grass" really means. It doesn't mean that plants magically cure insanity, it means go encounter randomly selected people who have nothing to do with you other than geographic proximity.

The purpose of this is to remember what normal people are like, and what normalcy is.

It's not that normal people don't do weird things. Maybe they like their pancakes with ketchup. Maybe they consider midgets to be the height of sex appeal. Maybe they never wash their socks, but just throw them away and buy more instead.

What makes normal people normal is that they keep that shit to themselves when it isn't relevant.

Like when you're an institute for space exploration.

Not toaster fucking.

Space exploration.

Remember?

[Ashlin Contino @yoitsSmash]

Finally had to update my twitter to X. Sad day 😢

[Secret @s3cr38]

@TikTokPolicy @tiktok_us She’s right 🫡

[Ashlin Contino @yoitsSmash]

I don’t believe this is the same Ariana grande 🤣

[gee ⋆ @ohmymotive]

post-lobotomy cat could NEVER wear those heels to the classroom

[THE lusty argonian maid @lindawg]

alright party’s over

[Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin]

Just cut off a student driver. Welcome to the real world, bitch!

[Todd Owyoung @toddowyoung]

"How's it going?"

Me:

[welp. @YSLONIKA]

not texas turning red…. well, we know who to bIame.

[Lancesico 🇱🇨 @Bornakang]

This probably the best use of AI I have seen

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

This is an assassination ☠️ ☠️

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

Diddy was telling us the whole time...

[𝐚𝐝𝐞 @crownofgloryy]

health in america is so bad cus here you’ll be making a salad thinking you’re doing good and then there’ll be a recall on the lettuce

[S .H. A. M. A. R 😎 🦂 @iSmash_YuCuffin]

When you’re singing the “clean up” song, but your child not picking shit up 😒

[The Notorious J.O.V. @whotfisjovana]

ㅤ