Yoni Brenner

New Yorker contributor, screenwriter, apostle of cautious optimism

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

@lyft For the record #Lyft, you just sent me the same unresponsive email address that I already have. Generic, insincere messaging is not the same as customer service. You have lost my business forever.

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

Who doesn't like a good transcript? New piece in this week's @NewYorker
https://t.co/Q1Yen002eT

[The New Yorker @NewYorker]

.@yonibrenner imagines the scene in Kiev, after President Trump hung up the phone. https://t.co/xNNAr8qjPs

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

Excited for end of Act II, when Alexa "activates" sending 200m obedient slaves to exact revenge on Jeff Bezos's third grade bully.

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

@realjeffreyross, @sarahksilverman, why not hold roasts at nazi rally sites? #roast #Charlottesville https://t.co/LuXlVFyTVE

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

@rafaelzentil thanks! hope you're well!

[The New Yorker @NewYorker]

In @tnyshouts: Surprise outcomes to the Mueller probe. https://t.co/9HBA4IYg6P

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

Guys, when the President said Emancipation Proclamation he meant "Emancipation Proclamation"

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

#SessionsExcuses https://t.co/o67i7ltIIo

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

"He was in the stall next to me and I have a wide stance..." https://t.co/u1JqXwq8gI

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 10: Y'know when you confuse your ACTUAL Senate Hearing with the one in your dream and you end up perjuring yourself? That. #Sessions

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 9: #Sessions thought he and #AlFranken were "just doing a bit." #SessionsExcuses

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 8: When you're #JeffSessions every lie is a white lie--so it's cool. #SessionsExcuses

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 7: When you think about it, deep down, aren't we all Russian officials? #SessionsExcuses

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 6: #Sessions meeting with Kislyak wasn’t official, he was just responding to a craigslist ad about subverting a presidential election

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 5: In the #Sessions Justice Department, all oaths are assumed to have “air quotes.”

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 4: The whole election happened in a Hangover-style blackout, and #Sessions is just now piecing together what the hell happened.

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 3: It wasn’t #JeffSessions who met with Kislyak, but his evil twin #GeoffSessions. Just kidding! Geoff is the GOOD twin.

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 2: At the time #Sessions met with Kislyak he was dressed as a sexy “lady” Kislyak.

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

EXCUSE 1: It was a time-traveling #Sessions from the future who met with Kislyak and you can't lie about something that hasn't happened yet!

[Yoni Brenner @yonibrenner]

Approach your job like an art and your art like a job; and approach lions like a sexy-girl lion, so they’ll trust you.