Timmy D

Jackassery with a touch of humour.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

An easy #HalloweenCostume for South America? Go as Africa.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

When you see a trampy-looking princess Elsa walking down the street on Nov 1, it's a safe bet you're witnessing a #halloween walk of shame.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

The day after #Halloween everyone asks each other the same question #NBA players get asked often- "How many kids came around this year?"

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Damn, some of these "kids" are big this #halloween2015. One dude just asked me if I could spare some condoms.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

To scope my abdomen they inflated me like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. I've moved so much gas, Petro Canada offered me a job.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

I love and respect #nurses. You have to admire someone who can open a conversation with "Have you had a bowel movement today?"

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

After a few days in the hospital my doctor says my liver enzyme levels are coming down nicely but my lime jello levels are through the roof.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

While brushing my teeth a splash of toothpaste fell onto my bare foot. There's probably a fetish site for that.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

I'm eating Girl Guides mint cookies. Mint comes from a leafy plant thing, so technically I'm eating vegetables.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Midway through the audio tour at the Drumheller dinosaur museum, I'm starting to realize that my Aramaic is a little rusty. #PoorChoice

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Evidently, all that's required to label a gravel path as a "broken pavement road" is a 50-foot stretch of beaten-down asphalt. #LiesMapsTell

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

After my parents fumbled around their car's nav system for 10 mins, it gave them directions back to the dealership- recommended a 1998 model

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Road trip with my parents. Mom's gaudy new crystals hanging from rear-view mirror say "Gypsy car- fortunes told and palms read!"

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Gf is bopping her head to the side to get water out of her ear- didn't appreciate me singing "What is love? Baby don't hurt me!" #Roxbury

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

To my limited knowledge, the Bible seemed to mostly take part in the desert. How ironic is it that Jesus never made a snow angel?

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Any dude cranking his car stereo way up and cruising through downtown midday would trade every decibel for a single hug from his mommy.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

Some people are like over-ripe strawberries, and the only way to find the good in them is with a paring knife.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

This must be the figurehead off of the drunken pirate ship "The 10 at 2". #RumGoggles

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

These new socks are TIGHT! They must be some kind of "control-top" socks to reduce cankles.

[Timmy D @yourownrisc]

The hotel waffle maker- like chess- a moment to learn, a lifetime to master.