Joshua Zagan

pronouns: suck it.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

If we all go to jail at some point for illegally downloading music, I hope they at least split us up by genre.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

I’d like to propose one more thing to the list of prohibited items TSA checks for at airport security: infants.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Why does opening an ironing board sound like opening the gates of hell? Is that a requirement?

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

I can’t even get to the chill part of Netflix and chill because it takes an hour to pick what to watch on Netflix.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

If I'm on a zoom call with you, make no mistake that I'm staring at myself the entire time.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

@CorenskiNowlan So does your makeup.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

I cannot see how Biden won Wisconsin. Lil Wayne supports Trump. And Wayne rhymed mansion with Wisconsin. Therefore Wisconsin should go to Trump.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

@marisarbkemp Because, your mom.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

@cuylerfranzke Technically you originated in my balls.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Black, trans, left-handed, journalist, vegan, anarchists lives matter.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Mask or pants. You pick what you want me to wear. But not both.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

I don’t trust mint chocolate chip ice cream that isn’t green.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

@Phoffjr Eating bats, homeboy!

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Hey, folks, I’m really sorry about all this bull shit. But I have to be honest, that bat was DELICIOUS!

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

I just bumped into the cable install guy out front my house and he asked me what time it was. I told him it was between 8 am and 1 pm.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Whomever said there’s no such thing as white culture never saw Wolf of Wall Street.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Celery ain’t even food. Celery is just exercise.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Currently helping my son search for his box of Reese’s Pieces that I ate an hour ago.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Life is like a game of chess... I don’t know how to play chess.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Sin is like a credit card... Enjoy now, pay later.

[Joshua Zagan @zagan]

Blessed are those who read an online news story to the end before commenting on it.