Funk Lord of the USA

my name is haley Im a human jello shot instagram: @kingdoctorman #Jugface

[Funk Lord of the USA @zingingcutie23]

I had a sex dream which was all cool and stuff except and the end he told me my breath smelled like onions which makes sense bc the beginning of the dream was me eating onion rings

[courtenay lou who 🩵 trinity island @svviftlet]

idek anything about raye but the concept of making a song called where the hell is my husband and proceeding to nab one of the hottest men in the world is incredible

[chad @chasedbywasps]

my favorite thing old people do is walk through the doors of a building and then just stop, obstructing everyone walking behind them. a good reminder to pause and reflect.

[auntie majic @1800buddha]

I know im gonna lose respect for a shirt once i fall asleep in it but i do it anyway

[Funk Lord of the USA @zingingcutie23]

without my cpap machine, none of us would be getting sleep and NOT in a sexy way

[Funk Lord of the USA @zingingcutie23]

I live this everyday and TRUST that you want me to sleep with that mothafuckin thang on me

[gabby @girllafraidd]

Imagine you sleep over at a guys house for the first time and he pulls out a CPAP machine like what would even be the move

[Business Woman Themed Clown @vegetalpuppet]

when i love someone i imagine them walking down the sidewalk

[moth @hickorymoth]

If the beatles suddenly never existed and u were the only one who remembered them how long do u think it would take for you to notice

[𝛑 @jadethetrapper]

I don’t even enjoy dating at this point. Everyone is boring me with therapy speak. I wanna tell you that I eat calamari because it reminds me of cartilage and makes me feel like Mike Tyson.

[the new puppy asuka @notsayinsoryu]

I think I'm learning from first principles that some of the old rules about dating (not hooking up on the first date etc, don't casually fuck your friends even if you both really want to) were good ideas after all

[small marzipan pig @teethfeelweird]

I need to start having sex again regularly if only for the sake of my hip mobility

[Joyce Carol Oates @JoyceCarolOates]

lengthy German word for that sinking sensation when, at lunch with a friend, you see that your friend has ordered a much better lunch than you did.

[𓊓 @social_actavis]

it’s all water under the bridge man. dark dirty water under a horrible horrible bridge

[yours truly @PleasantAndEvil]

happy birthday to all horses in the southern hemisphere

[𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧★ @olivvrszn]

I hate when people at work ask you what books you are reading for professional development. I am reading books to counteract the effects of being professionally developed. I am reading books that bring me back to being human.

[Veggie @bigboybokchoy]

The reason you’re unhappy is that you haven’t found the right thing to buy. There’s something out there you can purchase that will make this all go away

[reversecowgirl69 @botticellibimbo]

everybody wants to come for women who read romance-fantasy smut, but the real non readers are “self development” book readers

[🎮 @foreeeeeal]

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

[G @cutuphotdog]

yeha I’ve read the odyssey