The Queen died peacefully at Balmoral this afternoon.
The King and The Queen Consort will remain at Balmoral this evening and will return to London tomorrow.
I am still hurting but I need to fully accept it. It’s better off I am dead. Completely out of everyone’s way. No me to annoy anyone. I’ll apologise to my inner child in the great beyond. But I’m saving her from more pain and suffering. No point living like this anymore.
Good news! I can afford my own funeral or cremation, whichever. I’ve always wanted to have a viking burial or be mummified but that’s just me. Never been a fan of cremation, though, ironically. Just hope this inflation does not increase these prices.
I had brainstormed how I’m going to do it a few years back. I think it’s time for me to review my notes. Should I journal it here? Do I have enough savings to cover funeral costs at the end? More research to do, I guess.
On the times i can speak up, i get mocked, or told I have an attitude. I dont even know how to think for myself because everything i do or decide on is wrong. I am always wrong. So i don’t do anything right, i cant think right. I try to be better but it isn’t enough. “Stupid”.
I’m tired. All my life I have been explaining myself and defending myself to people who refuse to listen to me. But they are the same people who demand an explanation. I am so tired. I can’t even get a chance to speak, you refuse to listen or give me a chance to talk.
I honestly don’t think I have anything to live for. I keep hoping for a reason to have one, everyday I wake uP, but the day ends with more reason of WHY i should do it.
“You’re a stupid cunt, why are you such a fucking idiot, why do you do the things you do”
Everytime i hear this, it equates to, “just kill yourself because you are no good at all;it will just be so much better if you weren’t around. Go on, do it, you aren’t a loss to anyone”
There is no putting this any other way. Sometimes, I just really want to end it and kll myself. And this time is one of those times. I’m not seeking attention. But for once, I just want somebody to listen to me. And believe me. I’m not romanticizing suicide because its not good.