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I share the same birthday as Twitter— the calendar date, not the year

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

Why are they called butt plugs and not assifiers?

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@adamcarolla Hey Aceman, fun fact: Paul Newman would've been 100 years old today.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

Spoiler: The real goal in life is to have as many people as possible cry at your memorial service when you die.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

So now he's beaten TWO women?

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

I'm really hoping my dying words are something cool or inspiring like "freedom" or "I see God" and not "heh that's funny, it almost looks like the road ends right here"

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

It's International Women's Day. Women in all other nations of the world, rejoice and celebrate. But all you domestic bitches can fuck right off.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

I figured it out. The answer is the chicken. Why? Because you never say "the egg or the chicken." It comes first in the dictionary and in the question.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

Who else never realized that the ⭕️, ❌, 🔺 & 🟥 buttons on a Playstation controller are numbers one to four because that's how many strokes it takes to draw them?

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

It's not that I can't survive without coffee, it just the people with whom I come into contact won't.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

@SinfullySarah It’ll take 3, 4 min. tops: Glass elevator, fully lit. Sex on the way up. Doors open, doors close automatically. Sex on the way down. All whilst being filmed from the ground. You’ll get away before police arrive. In fact, I’m sure it’s been done. I’d do it, helluva story.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

Psst… hey Elon…

my Mac Twitter app is still called Twitter

🖕

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

I was born in the '70s. I haven't been carded in a while. I haven't been called "old" yet, but… I also don't hang around many younger people.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

So maybe Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Crust pizza slices are limp and soggy. Know what to do? Roll it up like a pennant flag and deep throat that badboy. You know you want to.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

I’ll garnish a bloody mary…

…WITH MINIATURE BLOODY MARYS

try and stop me

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

OK tell me if I’m way out of line. The autism community should have claimed the rainbow flag as its symbol before the LGBTQIA+ community, and I can sum it up in one word: Spectrum.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

"POOL PARTY HELD ON PRIVATE PROPERTY – ALL PUBLIC INVITED – CLOTHING OPTIONAL

WIDE VARIETY OF FREE FOOD AND ALCOHOL BEVERAGES AVAILABLE

THIS IS A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT TO BENEFIT HUMANITY

YOU WILL BE UNDER SURVEILLANCE

PLEASE ACT AND ENJOY YOURSELVES AS YOU NORMALLY WOULD"

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

If, by "bright-eyed" you mean "eyes wide open, darting left and right," and by "bushy-tailed" you mean "hairs standing on end," then yes, yes I am full of anxiety.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

If June is for dads & grads, shouldn’t May be for moms & proms?

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

Yeah, cherry tomatoes are fine and all, but I think humanity deserves tomato cherries.

[☣ ☠ ☢ @zombot]

If I had a billion dollars I would occasionally buy a million* dollars' worth of lottery tickets, not in the hopes of winning, but just to see lottery billboards bump up a million at a time.

(*0.1% of 1 billion)