Chris M.G.

Writer. Poet. Not everything is brilliant. Severe fire allergy. Born without a paddle. Avid plant killer. Amateur bio filler.

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

One thing I’ve learned in my nearly 43 years is: ”What would my wife think?”

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I typically make something up if I don’t know the answer. For instance, telling people my wife works at a factory where they de-shell pistachios

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

My wife doesn’t scold me. She provides opportunities to learn what I’m doing wrong in life

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Me: Boys! Clean your room!

*walks into kids room*

7yo: Dad! Look! All my army men are ready for battle!

Me: Wow! You are precious. That’s so cool. You know what else is cool? When I Godzilla over ALL those motherfuckers because you didn’t clean your room

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I watched my kids fight over who gets to pull the plug in their hypothetical dad’s in the hospital scenario

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Remember when 90° was hot?

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I think my 7yo is only playing soccer for the snacks

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I’m in a perpetual state of cleaning my glasses

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I plead w/ my wife for sex like my doctor calms me before a shot

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

It’s disturbing how often I find ads for buying junk cars on my car in the garage

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I tried explaining why my wife’s FICO score shot up 30 points while mine only 15 after refinancing our cars…fuckin, parents just don’t understand

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Nobody’s noticed I forwarded my office number to Domino’s

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Not sure how much longer I can blame my sons for missing the toilet

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Well, the Supreme Court just killed my sex life

[Cyanide & Shamrocks @x_Graveheart_x]

I don't want to see photos of your kids unless they're on a milk carton.

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I didn’t beat my 9yo at basketball. I fucking destroyed him

#humblebrag

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

I’m at the “keeping an eye on suspicious moles” stage of life

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

Any suggestions for some good porn sites? I finished Pornhub.

[Chris M.G. @zorgod]

COVID-19’s got hotter upgrades than iPhone