1st crapital connect

I AM YOUR GOD. BOW BEFORE ME, YOU TROGLODITES. SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR MONEY.

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How do you like them diversions, Fewell?

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@leg_cat Shiiiit! Busted!

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YOU DESERVE MONDAYS

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Christmas is coming, and the turkey's getting fat. But not as fat as your wife.

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@rainy1982 well we think you're a terrible cook. See? We can both say hurtful things

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The train arriving on platform 3 is the 13.20 service to Suck My Fat One

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@TfL_FML BRO, YOU'RE A FUCKIN GENIUS. Wait... I have an idea... Coin operated heaters! I'm gonna be rich(er)! #gettingthatmoney

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@Mooskel we got you covered, buddy

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Would you lot stop complaining about how cold my trains are? You're making my shit itch.

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@1if1i1must walk?

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@samkeir when you stop wearing lycra

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@nick_osborne no bother, mate

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@pigcheese123 just for that remark, I'm going to cancel a few

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@LaurenceTickell not an excuse, that sheep's my new lover

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Just £3 could give a homeless person a bed this Christmas. Unfortunately, that's roughly what our fares are going to increase by. LULz

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I can't fuckin WAIT for the price hikes in January! #gettingthatmoney

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We would like to remind all passengers that unattended screaming children will be ejected from the train via the nearest window

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So, fuckheads. What's been your favourite delay recently?

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@Williams12Clare hopefully you get sacked

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@nalab1 you can't spell 'anal' without 'Alan'. Just sayin'.