503Timber🌲

Слава Україні
"Russian warship, go fuck yourself"
"I need ammo, not a ride"

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

My tips for wintertime problem solving:

1: Listen to Christmas jazz until everything is fixed.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Eating a responsible amount of fig newtons.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Man vs. Self

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

The only thing you need to know about @Applebees is that Fireball is their 2nd-from-top-shelf whiskey.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

I’m addicted to saying “there we go” after accomplishing any task that required more than zero effort.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Nothing frustrates me like hearing a helicopter and not being able to see it.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

The most challenging part of dicing onions is conquering their existential desire to return to the ground.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

The kids at my apartment complex have mastered the sound of “birds that sound like screeching tires”

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Don’t drink the Big Ballard Hazy Imperial IPA after 9:00pm.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Nothing says “I don’t value you” like starting an email with “Hello valued residents,”.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Just witnessed the most terrifying sandwich order of my life. It was prefaced by the guy forgetting what he was going to order and apologizing because “everything’s really hard right now.” He immediately followed up by ordering a mayo, olives and bacon sandwich, cold.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

I have a nihilist accent; the words don’t matter, as long as you get what I mean.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

It’s 2022, how do we still not have the option to start over/re-record when leaving a voicemail??

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

People spamming their car lock 15 times while they’re walking away are a huge pet peeve of mine. If it didn’t lock the 1st or even the 2nd time, what do you think pressing the button 13 more times will do?? How would you know if it actually locked if you’re already walking away??

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

@LazybonesTV I liked this but I don’t like this :(

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

I made it about 6 years since moving out without buying maple syrup and I’m fighting really hard against the urge to take a swig of it like Buddy the Elf.

Only I can stop me.

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Getting an MRI be like:

😇

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

Slowly converting all my coworkers to the cult of disc golf 🥏⛳️

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

What was Barbara Streisand’s first experience with a beach?

Barbara TriesSand

[503Timber🌲 @503Timber]

I think “Y’ain’t” is one of my top 5 favorite English words.