shael

i tweet what my cat tells me to tweet

[shael @5hael]

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

[shael @5hael]

I was never a big fan of Steve Carell but he Gru on me

[shael @5hael]

Thinking of giving ALL of my money to the person that invented playing the silent game with your kids

[shael @5hael]

I systematically unsubscribed from all the junk emails I get and now I feel lonely and unloved

[shael @5hael]

GPS: stay on this road for 47 minutes

Me: *checks screen every 32 seconds*

Also me: *misses exit*

[shael @5hael]

@AudreyPorne The new David Attenborough 😥

[shael @5hael]

I wonder when covid will end and we can go back to normal when people social distanced from me because of my personality

[shael @5hael]

When will the World Health Organisation allocate the appropriate funding and resources to find a vaccine for left handers?

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

[marketing meeting]
Me: shamcum
Board: no
Me: shampiss
Board: no
Me: shamblood
*an hour later*
Me: shampoo
Board: ok yes fine

[shael @5hael]

Covid has been going on for so long that I’m thinking of installing a shower curtain just so I can feel something cling to me again

[shael @5hael]

What kind of idiot would study for a decade just to be able to perform surgery on plastic?

[shael @5hael]

Someone offered me vegan cake but there’s no fucking way I’m eating cake without meat

[shael @5hael]

@whatmaddness @MariyaAlexander Amazing!!

[shael @5hael]

7:30pm *falling asleep*

This is magical I’m finally going to catch up on sleep

2am *wide awake and ready to take on the day because I’ve had my usual amount of sleep*

Fuck!

[shael @5hael]

adulthood is awesome cause you can get someone to stop liking you just by telling them you like them.

[jess (retired) @jessokfine]

[watching a nature documentary]
David Attenborough: “Virtually nothing can live here”
Me, extremely defensive for no reason: “I bet I could.”

[shael @5hael]

[getting teeth whitened]

Me: wow they look so good, I’ll do ANYTHING to keep them this white

Dentist: you need to stop drinking red wine

Me: well, not anything anything

[shael @5hael]

@DTelf My mum loves spreading 8 dishes over the entire shelf, it drives me crazy

[shael @5hael]

It’s nice when other people help out by packing the dishwasher and that way I only need to repack it so it’s done properly

[shael @5hael]

@sensual_dad Woohoo, how long for? Lets have a beer