Jeffers

[Jeffers @5ick5]

This asshole in traffic is looking at me like he knows I'm still "it" from a game of tag from the summer of 93'.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

It’s a very feminine penis. I find that most women enjoy my very soft, non-threatening erections.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

It's not a real relationship till you've apologized from the hood of a moving vehicle.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Contrary to popular belief, there is actually nothing gayer to a guy’s best friends than a guy loving a girl.

[Party Waffle @PartyWaffle]

Kinda cool that humans are just bad computers stacked on top of raw meat.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

The actual furthest thing from the truth..? Me saying I’m almost to the place that you’re waiting for me at.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

I’m not going to just STAND here and listen to your bull shit

[dramatically flops onto a bean bag]

Okay... I’m listening...

[Jeffers @5ick5]

This is more depressing than those abused puppy commercials.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

If at first you don’t succeed you were most likely trying to plug a USB into a USB port.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

If at first you don’t succeed you were most likely trying to get your iPhone to spell “of”.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Columbus Claus barely touched the maize and spicebush tea I left out for him but did add his user name to my Netflix and gave me syphilis :)

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Just saw a girl with a dress so short you could see her tampon string hanging out... looked like a super gross lamp. :(

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Sorry I missed your call, I didn’t want to take off my mittens.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

It’s so disgusting when I see a pregnant woman smoking. I mean, they are already gross enough.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

“What if there was a hooker that could read minds or she was like a prodigy on the harp..?” — me, if asked to pitch a movie to @netflix

[Jeffers @5ick5]

You’d think these foster kids would be a little more excited to help me clean up this highway I adopted.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Back in my day a “selfie” was something I gave myself after I saw one of sister’s friends in just a bra at a slumber party.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Oh, sorry boss. REALLY wanted to have that report finished today but I started thinking about a giraffe with a regular sized neck, again. :(

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Daily horoscope: You actually searched out your daily horoscope? Life will be very difficult for you today, you are a very dumb person.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Thanks to foot fetish porn I can’t even clip my own toenails without trying to give myself a foot job while laying in a cargo net.

[Jeffers @5ick5]

Pretty outrageous that hot dogs come in packages of 6 and I cum anytime an old person falls over.