Sarah

Flies pretty well under the radar.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Son (playing Minecraft): Look mom, I’ve got a parachute, and it keeps exploding all pretty!
Me: Umm… I think those are fireworks?
Son: No, parachute.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

People: mosquitoes :: food carts: hipsters

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Plot twist: Optimus Prime’s evil alter ego, Optimus Sub-Prime, is terrorizing the world along with the Evil Spidermens. They have eradicated all American good guys, and implemented robot-supremacist policies that mean the roof-top hot tub in Mexico is bots-only.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Low-profile tires are the high heels of the car world. There’s no reason to wear them, aside from the fact that men have been conditioned to think they’re sexy.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Add a matter of fact, the funk of the brie, and the sweetness of the jam do a nice job of making the staleness of the crackers. Or at least making me not care about it.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Why yes, I am eating brie with jam on Ritz crackers that have been sitting out on the counter since last Friday. They’re not that stale…

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Who knew the Ramones were writing about trying to get out the door with a 4 year-old?
Just imagine that ALL the background characters are your kid, and you have to get them all dressed and moving in the right direction. That’s exactly what it’s like. https://t.co/r1AfaLYdVw

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Pro dining-out tip: Ask a busboy for an extra order of fancy bread. Wait to tell your server it never showed, but you’re ready for your check. Take the resulting complementary bread home. Eat it in your dark kitchen with the sheer abandon that can only come from ill-gotten carbs.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

If I accomplish nothing else as a mom, it will be to openly defy the idea that I have to give a fuck what anyone on Pinterest thinks I should be doing.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

What wine pairs best with getting screamed at by an almost-4-year-old for half an hour at breakfast for insisting he’s old enough to help spread peanut butter on his own toast?Asking for a friend.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Also, the self-hostage situation he put himself in gives me time to tweet, so double win!

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

After 45 minutes of rolling around on the ground feeling sorry for himself, my son has negotiated a settlement that lets him have a blueberry flax and bran muffin for dessert. I’m calling that a #ParentingWin

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

I used to think I liked kids… then I had one of my own.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

We’re considering a mostly-dry January… So only dry wines; nothing too fruity. Who’s in?

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Peanut butter is the worst non-gross thing to clean up. Tell me I’m wrong.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

After having a good Thanksgiving Cry in the kitchen (and multiple bathrooms), I’ve decided to approach Thanksgiving hosting as improv: The answer is always “yes, and…”
#Thanksgiving #ThanksgivingCry #ZeroFucks

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

What kind of dickhead thinks 9:30pm is an appropriate time to START drum practice????

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Obviously I mean in a social setting. That would be so awkward professionally.

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

So now that handshakes are out, is it proper etiquette to flash someone upon meeting them for the first time?

[Sarah @8TheCanary]

Update: Apparently at some point in the last couple days the same 3-year-old turned ON the base board heater in the kitchen nook.
Currently googling "how to disown a preschooler"...