a-man-DUH

I'm about to go 3 months with no iPhone and no alcohol. Like a fucking barbarian. Only no fucking either. Fuck.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

My cunt car is going to cost me 5 grand to repair. I could leave her untouched but she's my cunt so I have to take care of her.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

I used a real map and rode the train today in case anyone wants to know what living in 1869 was like.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

I'm dehydrated and hungry, so it seems like a perfect time for beer.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

How long does it take to sharpen a broom stick into a spear? This is important. I need to know now.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

A lotta people annoyed me this morning so I spent the afternoon chumming the Pacific Ocean with body parts.

[1Happytwit @1Happytwit]

You should be able to tell by the tampons, pain killers & kitchen knife in my basket, I really don't have the patience for a price check.

[Chopper @chopper4jk]

You don’t always have to hold your head up high, sometimes waist level is all they want.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

My heart cries out for you everyday but my brain can't stand the sound of your name.

[Rock @TheMichaelRock]

Women need some weird things to masturbate. Like toys, privacy, a reason. Y'all are fucking odd.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

Mom texted me in the middle of my PBandJ, so now I have to spend my Friday night licking Peanut Butter off my phone.

[@sshole @Lisa_Laughs_]

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

[Sly @slyoung5]

I think opinions are a lot like orgasms. Mine will always be more important and I don't give a flying fuck if you have one.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

I'm so close to exploding at everyone my arteries might as well be pumping kerosene.

[Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real]

Sure, crazy women are the best fucks, but so is a woman who is crazy about you.

[Rusty @PeaceInTruth1]

You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.

[a-man-DUH @Acoyle33]

Stalking would be so much easier if my iPhone had a binoculars app.

[Chrisanna4real @chrisanna4real]

If she can work a room and still make you feel like your the only man in it, she's a keeper.