Akash.sariya

I am the voice of my janitor

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@dannynoble96 :(

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@optimus_bunny Lenin is the one on the right for sure. Will let someone else guess Stalin

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

nothing scarier than a skinny republican. what do they even want

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

Sad day update: I had to exchange a get-well-soon card for a sorry-for-your-loss card. Bye Uncle Robby, you were clearly not a fighter. #toooptimistic

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@reereeplease You're agreeable for your disposition.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

I'm short for my height.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@reereeplease Just wait till taco bull!

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

now that's what i call fast food

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

So glad the SCOTUS opinion leaked. I was planning to get accidentally pregnant next year, but I guess I've got to do it sooner.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

Movie idae- the only this world-champion juggler couldn't juggle was his relationship with his estranged daughter who hates juggling.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

If you're trying to keep your house clean by replacing the carpet with wood, be sure to replace your furry dog with a turtle.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

Back in high school, all my peers would drop the factoid that dolphins are rapists. I now find that astounding because Dolphins; creatures that live in the murky sea and don’t speak any English, were exposed as sexual predators before Harvey Weinstein.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

To stop kids from vaping don't ban all flavored e-cigarettes. Keep ones that you need a mature palette to appreciate. No teen would buy a flavor like whole-wheat anchovy or Everclear.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

is the new york times a new york times bestseller?

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

I am a proponent of more women in the workplace because I don't thrive in male-dominated spaces either.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

There's nothing impressive about a standing ovation at the end of the show. Everyone gets out of their seat. That's the only way to leave the building.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@dannynoble96 There are no layers of irony here

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

POV: your a child on a plane dropping rapidly. Oxygen masks descend. Your small arms can't quite reach one and your small lungs and snot nose are suffocating you. Your mom, who you trust completely, grabs a mask you were reaching for, she puts it on her own face and you blackout

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

When I was young and wanted to read, I would go to the library for hours. now if I want to read, I just go to sleep.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

English teacher: the author named him Harry Potter because he has hair and smokes pot.
Student: actuLy his parents named him when he was born so they could leave the hospital.

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

@dannynoble96 You were food trucker!!!

[Akash.sariya @Akashsariya3]

Me: 'can I have side of sauce for my purchased food?'
Food truck guy: 'yes that'll be 1.50 more'
Me: "why?!"
Food truck guy: "cuz it's homemade!!'
Me: 'that means you didn't pay for it either'
Food truck guy: closes window, drives off cliff