Al Bahmani

My comedy comes from a place where I’m comfortable, the fetal position

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Time is like tortillas, you think you have more.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Dear cinema owners,
Start selling commemorative boxes of tissues with sad movies.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

This is my circus. These are my monkeys.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Robot ai apocalypse suggests a world that the software runs right and the batteries don’t die.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Somewhere right now in a country that still uses floppy disks to run infrastructure, someone is triumphantly laughing to themselves, “Who’s laughing now! Who’s laughing now?”

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Worked on a movie about a sausage making Polish Hit Man, it’s called “Kill Basa!”

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

If you grew up playing “Beat the Buffet” with your family, you might suffer from poverty trauma.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

“Surge Pricing” is a fancy way of saying “Price Gouging”

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Most folks move to the big city, so they can both go big and home at the same place.

[Dave Itzkoff @ditzkoff]

everyone says they wouldn't fall for it, but if it could happen to even one person -

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

“Safety Strap! No Wonder These #Baby #Boomer Kids Are Coming Out Soft!

Back in our day we hung from the side of Pop’s Ford Model T! Father’s Belt Was Our Safety Strap!

Fear Kept Us In The Car!”

- The Silent Generation

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Here’s what I got. I know it’s not what you want, but it’ll do good in a pinch.

“I don’t want to pinch. I want to punch.”

Well sometimes a pinch is the only fighting move you got. Might as well use it.. Ow!

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Has anybody in the south ever gotten rich starting an emu farm back in the 90s?

Yes, this was an actual scheme.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

I’m glad to hear my monologue jokes do well in Hollywood last night.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Shall your enemies be visited by three ghosts tonight…

[not rachel wolfson 🐺 @wolfiecomedy]

all it takes is one person to ruin your life

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

There are two types of students that do extracurricular activities after school, the college minded, and those that just didn’t want to go home.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Neurotypical is just a setting on a washing machine.

[Felipe Esparza @funnyfelipe]

Shout out to skinny cholos with bad acne.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Last week a child was stuck in a claw machine. It took firefighters three hours, $42 and 75 cents to get them out.

[Al Bahmani @AlBahmani]

Martin Scorsese’s “Killers of the Flower Moon” is a grim and gritty “King of the Hill” Prequel.