We received a letter informing us that a(n) large, possibly sentient dog controlling a drone by the name of The Smacker turned themselves in for fishing with stolen cereal as bait, without a permit. "The voices made me do it" they claimed later in an interview.
This just in from Arizona PD: a(n) individual legally going by Gastone turned themselves in for burning a large pile of pancakes in a public space. No one was harmed.
@AlertsTheft My daughter went to this performance that they had on campus. She ended up sending me the link of the performance and I thought I would retweet it for everyone!
This just in from Hawaii PD: a(n) drug dealer controlling a drone by the name of Pablo is wanted for injecting a mysterious fluid into several items of produce. "The voices made me do it" they claimed later in an interview.
We received a letter informing us that a(n) devoted member of the one true, known by many as Pablo has been found guilty of stabbing a doomsday prepper in the cheek with a high heel. Donate now to the victims of this horrendous crime
This just in from Florida PD: a(n) store clerk legally going by Valerie was caught red-handed in the act of protesting violently outside of a local breakfast stop. No one was harmed.